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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
People may not remember what we say here tonight, but by God they'll remember what we did.
I have a confession. My love of horror movies is not what led me to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and it wasn't my
obsession with remakes/prequels of the horror movies I grew up watching. Nope, my reason is much more.. perverse. I watched this movie
because I am smitten with Jordana Brewster's eyebrows and want to make sweet, monkey love to them. I'm completely serious. I've written many
an ode to them, but this is neither the time nor place to display them. I want to woo, date, marry, and perhaps reproduce with her luscious
brows. They are at their dazzling and luxuriant best in one of my favourite movies, D.E.B.S. and they make for a splendid, alternate
focal point to the blood bath in this telling of the origins of the Hewitt clan. So naturally, I was torn. I love her eyebrows, but I think
I may enjoy carnage even more. This is where The Beginning really shines. There is butchery and gore; it's slick yet abrasive and
it's everywhere. Once it begins, there is no relenting and I nearly wet myself with glee. Now, don't misunderstand me, this wasn't
necessarily scary but it was a good old-fashioned splatter-fest and I was thoroughly entertained for its entire running time, a somewhat
respectable 91 minutes.
After telling my brother-in-law about the prequel, he went into a long spiel about The Texas Chainsaw Massacre being based on a true
story and how Leatherface is still roaming the back roads of bumfuck Texas. I tried hard not to laugh at him and while I had a reasonable
argument to counter his statement, I went with the easier, "Dude, no it's not and no, he isn't. Shut up." The past two The Texas
Chainsaw Massacre movies have featured the usual three archetypes shown in horror films and while still aiming at the same audience. We
have our good guys, our nasty guys, and the horrible place they finally clash. Our "good" guys for this version are two brothers, Dean and
Eric, on their way to enlisting and re-enlisting in the Army at the nearest recruiting station, which is apparently hundreds upon hundreds of miles
from anything. Tagging along for the ride are their girlfriends, Bailey and Chrissie (and her eyebrows). While traveling from California,
the group decides to stop by what they think is an amusement/convenient store and they quietly make fun of it. They are obviously not horror
aficionados or they would know to show only the utmost respect to anybody in that store, no matter their lack of teeth nor their fifth chin.
Upon a small run-in with a Hell's Angel while trying to locate the bathroom, the girls get spooked and run back out to the car. They take
off with an Angel"ette?" following close behind them. While the intrepid youths are spooked by the Angel, our camera pans to a police
officer coming to get one of the Hewitt boys to go talk to Tommy about his swinging a chainsaw around in circles. Doing what he can to
resolve the situation, Tommy's brother picks up a shotgun and blows the last surviving patrolman out of the county. These would be those bad
guys I was mentioning before. Taking the officer's suit and badge as trophies, we soon find him in front of the mirror taking on his known
officer routine. Did anyone doubt that he could have possibly gotten to be sheriff through subversive measures? It's nice to see the family
together before they all finally leapt over the brink into madness. We go back to the teens who are now splattered against glass and
pavement from their jeep skidding, sliding, and then flipping numerous times on the asphalt. No worries, "Sheriff" Hoyt is here to help and
help he does; he blows a hole in the biker lady. Of course, all of them are going to end up at the "Hewitt's Holocaust Hacienda", with one
exception; our girl, Chrissie, who seems to have been thrown out of the vehicle and into some tall grass nearby. No worries, she's just
about as smart as every other female horror star, she wanders down the road for help and then follows said help back to the HHH.
And it's here my friends, in the Hewitt's home you really begin to sense something is amiss. You could get past the enormous lady sitting
there drinking her tea while a girl is strapped to the table leg next to her. You can get past the fact that they probably get it on with
one another, maintaining their pure bloodline. But as you think, people have left here long ago and there are no stores, no livestock. Why
do these people eat so much meat? Why are people coming up missing? Why is Leatherface cutting the face off of that guy and tailoring it to
fit his face? And why did they just saw Uncle Monty's legs off when they could have taken him to the freakin' hospital!? The outside of the
house does indeed reveal some sort of creepiness, of some soullessness; but once inside, we realize how much evil lays between its walls. I
think a lot of people have always focused in on Leatherface being the man behind the evil, but in this movie it's quite clear that the apple
just didn't fall very far from the tree. Leatherface's brother, now Sheriff Hoyt, is also psychotically vicious. He may not outright kill
you, but play with you, make you think you have a chance and then beat you to death. Nothing but evil could ever possibly come from that
place.
While the story was nothing absolutely mind-blowing and really, it couldn't be considering their end point was an already established
starting point, I think they did a smash job of telling it. This movie didn't have a whole lot of dialogue and what was there was mostly
whispers or screams. The effects, however, were quite lovely. And while I know they were going for the R rating, I really wish they would
have left in some of the more graphic scenes. Most of the violence was implied with a shot of the before weapon, some spurts of blood, then
a shot of the after weapon. We get the point, but it gets repetitive. I must admit to a beloved scene with Chrissie: her splayed boyfriend
laying on the table above her, Leatherface jamming the chainsaw straight down through the body and the table, and then Chrissie's eyebrows
(and face) being sprayed with blood and body fluids as the chainsaw tries ripping back up through the wood. Man, they even look hot dirty.
Anyway, there is no surprise ending, everyone knows what is going to happen whether the media and/or the actors want you to believe it or
not. Chrissie was labeled our female hero and did a damn good job of it. Did she make it out alive? What do you think?
3.2 / 4.0
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