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Stick It
"Pointy words are mouse turds."
I am still close enough to this age group to within all reason, enjoy such a movie. It's not a part of me trying to stay young, trust me. But from the looks of trailers, semi-attractive, nubile female bodies will be falling from a variety of heights onto a variety of body parts. This is what intrigued me. From all these types of movies, I am guessing skateboarding and graffiti style text to run hand in hand. I don't mind skatebording nor do I mind graffiti, but why are they always shown together. My idea now is to get a Golden-Girl Bea-Arthur-type character and have her be a tagger. Then we'll get Sophia to do a drop in to the 30ft vert ramp.
What is set up in the movie right now, is that Haley, a BMX-girl, has taken to using buildings in development for her playground. Eventually, she damages enough property for police to be called and charges to be enforced. Her father then demands she go to VGA, Vickerman Gymnasts Academy. So, she is back to gymnastics after her little foray into hard core-edness. Or so I would assume from her Ramones T-Shirt. Have a lot of Hot Topic stores where you live, Haley? So during her introduction, she purposely makes an ass out of her self and I am wishing she would do away with the showboating and let us see the girls falling over gym equipment. Then, in a line I am sure took weeks to produce and ruminate, Haley tells the large man who is carrying her to another room, "Put me down, Shrek." See what they did there? Shrek is a Disney movie. And this is a Disney movie. So we're supposed to buy something from Lion's Gate. Another quip before I shut up for a while, "What country are they from? The state of delusion?" Lady, you asked and answered your own question, yet somehow still got the wrong answer. This witty banter has to quit. I may fall out of my chair from sighing and rolling my eyes. I think the Asian gymnast in this movie may have a bit of Down's Syndrome. Or perhaps, and this would explain everything, this movie's market is actually aimed to those with Down's Syndrome. This is the only way a script like this could be made. Haley's bone-headed friends make an attempt to bust her out, in broad daylight, stopping to hit on the soccer moms. Haley's monologue over the training sequences are absolutely inane and quite honestly, they are still performing moves that I, myself, can successfully do. Seriously. I am glad they put on their underwear the same way I do, with a ton of Non-slip spray.
Haley's spreading "bad" advice and lending her own critisism to the other gymnasts who try their damnedst to "make the judges look". And of course, while the others go down trying, Haley pulls off her ramped-up routine. Seriously, I think the VGA is actually filled with retarded, easily led girls. I may go round a bunch up and just die drinking body shots off their firm skin. I know we are supposed to look into her hard exterior and find her cute, little cherubic insides, but it's taking too long. I don't like any of these characters as it is, let alone follow along with the most typically boring person on the screen. I am starting to think that I am ten years too old to be watching this movie and enjoying it. There's not enough gymnastry to pad out this movie. It's truly about the birth and growth of Haley. And she's boring. The comedy they try to inject into it is mostly from one gymnast's total bastardization of the English language. Sure, it can be funny, but if that's the only humour in it (besides a couple routine fall downs); we begin to have a problem. Where were all the painful falls and trips that could have made this movie a pratfall wonderland? It's the only reason I wanted to see the damn thing anyway. We don't really get to see even one full routine. I also think Jeff Bridges, the coach of all these girls, may have had a stroke. Or he's drunk? Or he's got his mouth filled with gummi bears? Something is prohibiting him from speaking regularly and it's bothering me quite a bit. It may be his version of acting.
We're out here performing to go to the Olympics and things are as boring as ever. Haley's monologue over the whole thing made it even less interesting. Back stories of the coaches and other players are mingling among the competition and it's all mashing together. Alright, I was incorrect about not seeing a performance. We see a competitor's routine times three, one apparently worth a 10. Why the deduction? Her bra strap was sticking out. Haley performs a rather spirited scratch in honour of the wrong call. Believe it or not, Josie follows suit. As does, Wai Wai. Okay, so does everyone. Now, the originally scorned is the winner of that routine. So they have decided on a plan giving each athlete their fair share. I wonder though, can't you just disqualify the athletes? They are quiet obviously running the numbers. Wai Wai breakdances on the bar and wins silver. Honestly, you should be pretty used to the ending of there types of movies. I don't think I need to spell it out for you. Although I have to say, Haley's perform on the Free Style mat was the most idiotic looking routine I've seen. And I have seen like, three of them before. She also should get points off for showing emotion on the mat.
What I was actually loooking forward to in this movie was a movie much like Bring It On. Flashy characters all flying thorugh the air, nice choreography to upbeat music. A small subplot of a love story is actually handled pretty well, while not taking away from the main plot; winning the championship. Both are about winning championships, yet this one seems so damn boring. There is none of that quirky, sometimes witty banter because I am not sure the words are even in the vocabulary of the characters in Stick It. There were some awesome routines we got to enjoy from fresh-faced, athletic girls. Stick It seems to be filled with the people who were not "photogenic" in the Bring It On cattle call for girl extras. This movie goes wrong at every step. Unsympathetic characters, dull washed-out colours, horrible dialogue and for a movie actually based on it, not enough gymnastics. Boring take on a mostly boring "sport" with extremely boring characters. Thanks for nothing, girls!
0.8 / 4.0
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