South of Nowhere - First Season

I actually had to be persuaded to start watching this when it was mentioned it aired on the-n, Nick's "Tween" Network, a channel aimed squarely for the 12-18 crowd. Hell, I am not even in the age group they list as the next choice. However, since I am amused pretty easily, I figured watching one episode wouldn't hurt. After watching this season and parts of next, this damn show better get a third season. It has so much potential.

I feel I need to have a cast of characters listed so you have some idea to the ones I am referring to when I use their TV name.
First up, the Carlin clan, who are very white, very stiff, and very religious. We have Paula (Maeve Quinlan), the work-a-holic surgeon who convinced her family to move to L.A. from Ohio and now thinks perhaps the city is corrupting her God-fearing children. There's Arthur (Rob Moran), who takes most of the abuse from his wife while he acts passive-aggressively, but is there wholey for their three kids. The children are Glen [Chris Hunter (An athlete-turned-ladies' man-turned-homophobe-turned-all round asshole)], Clay [Danso Gordon (The smart, quiet Carlin child, who is black and adopted)], and then Spencer [Gabrielle Christian (the one questioning her sexuality and trying to deal with her attraction to Ashley as well as her mother's adversion to the friendship.)]. There are a few characters outside of the Carlin family although they always seem to be involved in everything no matter how loose the connection. There is Ashley Davies (Mandy Musgrave), who would be the resident grumpy, but sexy lesbian. There is Aiden (Matt Cohen) who is almost always shirtless and continues to interupt Spencer and Ashley from getting together. My favourite "cheer-bitch" Madison (Valery M. Ortiz) is the basketball groupie. She swaps from Glen to Aiden and back according to whomever is the star on the team at any given time. Included as well is a film-buff, philosopher Sean (Austen Parros), who seems to keep everyone grounded and educated. Power to the people, Sean! Then there is the artsy, open-minded girlfriend of Clay, Chelsea (Aasha Davis). If Sean and Chelsea got together, I believe we could end war and famine. Oh, and one other minor character, there is Ben (Christopher DerGregorian), Paula's boss. The boss she drug her family away from Ohio to be near.

So yes, this entire show is a teenaged soap opera. While I was never fond of soap operas, I find the idea of Spencer and Ashley adorable. I'd also take a quick rumble in the sack with Paula in her scrubs. My perverted thoughts go both ways, my friends.

Secret Truths:
We have the opening with the Carlin kids on their third day of school, still trying to find their way around campus. We know immediately that Glen is a ladies' man and that Clay is a nerd. Spencer, well, Spencer is just lost and making moon-y eyes at Aiden before Madison walks over. Spencer continues to be lost and asks an angered stranger to help her find her way, she gets no help and we have our first looks at Ashley. Later in the locker room, Spencer gets the rules from head cheerleader, Madison and then has to play gofer and retrieve all the equipment. Honestly, the shit work is why I never join teams. After some really stilted cheerleading moves, Spencer heads to the bleachers with Ashley trailing soon after. Glen and Aiden fight it out on the court using white boy slang. Staged basketball is boring. So is Clay's inability to get into the class he wants.
We finally get to something interesting when Ashley sits down to introduce herself and confirms Spencer's conclusion that she's a nutter. Ashley's not into this "school spirit" shit, so they take off to chill around L.A. and then they're off to Ashley's flippin' mansion. They discuss their ideal boyfriends and after deciding boys have cooties, Ashley puts her hand on Spencer's while Spencer zones in on a picture of Ashley with another girl. There is awkward silence. Has our dear Ashley scared not-yet-out Spencer back into her safe closet? Obviously so, as she books it in the opposite direction when she spies Ashley down the walkway. Ashley finds her though when she is talking to Madison and Aiden about a school dance all cheerleaders must attend. Spencer admits she was a bit freaked out. I think Ashley totally gets her rocks off on freaking people out. As Ashley walks away, Spencer takes in the loveliness that is Ashley's back half. (Hello Nurse!)
Suddenly we're in a steamy locker room with Madison and the cheerleaders calling Spencer gay. Spencer calls out for Ashley who is then escorted out by Aiden. Spencer then wakes up. That morning, Spencer goes to visit her father at the counseling center to ask for some discrete advice about the dream without ever actually mentioning said dream. (Trivia for you: When she is looking at the door to the building, the only letters shown are "les". Ha ha! Even the door knows, Spencer!) Meanwhile, Clay is finally finding some black people to hang out with, Sean and his cousin Boz. Instead of talking about 40s and rap, they have a meaningful discussion on society and philosophy. I fall asleep a little, even though I admire his convictions. Sometime during my slumber, they are abused by racist cops for "driving while black".
In the locker rooms, Glen tries to get the score on Ashley so he can ask her out and get his pervy little groove on. Soon, he finds out she swapped teams and is a licensed, card-carrying lesbian. (I sent her the Welcome basket myself.) This information is quickly leaked to the Carlin parents and Paula is now going to start worrying that her daughter is hanging out with lesbian freaks. Clay comes in beaten and put down after an altercation with racist police officers. Feeling his super-white family wouldn't understand, he goes upstairs.
The party is on and everyone is grooving, except Spencer, who seems to be growing tired of watching all the straight people make out. So she calls Ashley and tells her to get her lazy ass over there. When Spencer demands something, Ashley does it, so we soon see Ashley donned in party gear walking up the stairs to Spencer. Sean introduces Clay to Chelsea and they are soon dancing. Well, like Carlton-type dancing. Madison and Aiden bore up my screen before Madison wanders off to call Ashley either a dog or a dyke, maybe both. Because of Spencer's loyalty to Ashley, Spencer is kicked off the squad. We also learn a little more of Ashley and Aiden's past life together, as in, Aiden knocked up Ashley a while back and she miscarried. Aiden and Glen are soon fighting and like any good sister would do, she runs off with her friend. Spencer demands to know what the hell is going on, but I am not sure Ashley knows herself. Ashley is not into labels!
Our closing scenes are of Ashley, Spencer, and Aiden looking out of the L.A. lights. Spencer asks if Aiden and Ashley want to be alone and is met with an instant "No!". Aiden then asks Ashley and Spencer if they want to be left alone and we get a slightly less meaningful "No.". Go away, Aiden. You're interrupting the smoochfest, but off the three of them go into the dark L.A. night. 3.3 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 1 (Apologizes for knocking over Ashley's coffee and books.)
Ashley: 1 (Apologizes for yelling at Spencer when she made her drop her things.)
Synchronized: 0

The Series premiere was actually an hour long as opposed to the normal 30 minute slot it will have for the rest of the season. I am hoping that's why it seems so long and not that I have decided to ramble on for days. We'll see.

Friends, Lovers, Brothers, and Others:
We know black people are going to grace our TV screen shortly as the hip-hop music is bumping through the commons shots. There is Sean and some other guys who call Clay over to their table. However, Glen has also called him to confirm a made-up story and Clay chooses to wander over to him. The black guys get offended. Aiden, feeling left out, goes to join Spencer and Ashley who are talking about Ashley's performance later in the evening. She's excited her father will finally see her perform. (Let's just say, their relationship is more than strained.) Spencer offers to be Ashley's groupie. Groupie sex is the entire reason to go into music. If I was talented in any way concerning music, I would probably be riddled with STDs. Meanwhile, Madison and Glen are hitting on each other and I am bored.
Ashley is trying on clothes and Spencer is dutifully watching, as am I. There is something about Ashley being nervous, but I am still thinking about her abs. Spencer is doing a great job at comforting her. Of course, we're back to stuff I don't care about. Glen and Clay are arguing about Sean, who Glen thinks looks like a gangbanger, which I am sure he rushed to tell his mommy. Madison, ever the classy broad, is now propositioning Aiden with a hot night in a hotel. I normally like Sean, but he's being a dick to Clay just for choosing family over friends. Sometimes it just works that way, Clay can't help if his family is uber-white.
We're at Gray, the hippest place in the entirety of L.A. apparently. Spencer and Aiden (clutching a fake ID) wander in to the club/bar, where Aiden tries to order tham both a drink. Spencer is denied the liquor, but no worries, Ashley is there to spike her drink. That's what friends are for. As Ashley gets nervous and tries to prepare, Spencer gets plastered, and starts to make out with Aiden. Ashley, holding in anger better than I ever could, pulls Spencer to the side only to have Spencer drunkenly try to cop a feel. Meanwhile, Madison is kissing ass with the good, Catholic Carlin parents. They love her because she is quite the cunning bitch. (I kind of love her.) Back at Gray, Ashley is upset her father still hasn't shown and tries to call him only to get a voice recording. She walks out to find a drunken Spencer being led to the door by an extremely horny Aiden. You have great friends, Ashley.
Yard party at Sean's! Rap music, chess, and dominoes. Hooray!
Madison and Glen are getting freaky on the Carlin couch. Oddly, Aiden is trying the same with Spencer in his car as Ashley takes the stage. They make out a little and Spencer passes out (and snores). I giggle hysterically.
More partying at Sean's!
Aiden and Spencer walk in on Madison and Glen. Glen gets all uppity. Man, three sluts and a drunk! I wish I was in that room. The yelling wakes up the parents and Spencer, who is denying being drunk, proceeds to vomit on the floor. Poor Ashley is talking to the bartender after her set when her crazy papa shows up (Mr. C.C. DeVille from freakin' Poison!). He apologizes for being a prick and they sing a duet. I want Ashley to sing to me every night before I go to sleep. I wonder how much it would cost to rent her? She must also let me bounce quarters off her midsection while she belts out the tunes. You can keep the quarters, Ashley! Seriously though, Mandy Musgrave has a lovely voice. C.C. DeVille should stick to playing guitar.
The next day at school. Aiden and Madison officially break up via badly-spelled cell messages. Wasting no time, she starts making out with Glen. Spencer apologizes to Aiden about her behaviour and wanders off to kiss some Ashley ass. The two make up and listen to Papa Davies new album on Ashley's iPod. Okay, quite a bit of this episode didn't hold my interest, at all. That was made up for by Ashley's singing and Spencer's snoring. Thanks girls. 2.5 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 1 (Kind of. She actually says, "Forgive me?" Close enough.)
Ashley: 0
Synchronized: 0

Hrm. That wasn't any shorter, now was it? Shit.

Put Out or Get Out:
Yet again, we're at Gray. You should probably get used to seeing the inside of it. Clay and Spencer are trying to get a drink only to be told politely that they aren't cute enough. A nice girl named Kelly comes to their rescue and ever so subtley scopes out Spencer's single status. The next day at school, Ashley becomes jealous of Kelly in the guise of being protective of Spencer. She tries to insist that Spencer's new friend is a big ol' lesbo which Spencer denies. Enter Ashley's mom, in one of only half a dozen scenes she'll be in this season. She wasting no time and kicks Ashley out for the weekend. Clay and Sean go to offer Spencer a ride home, but Kelly shows up in her yellow classic car. While trying to hint at lowering the top, Kelly decides to try to disrobe. "Oh, that's not what you meant? Silly me." Spencer, you clueless dink. My straight friends never offer to strip for me.
It's an hour before the not-a-date date and Spencer is telling Ashley to come over and stay the night, even if it means she won't be there herself. Spencer is getting dressed when Paula sticks her head in the door to find a half-dressed Spencer and Ashley laying on the bed reading a magazine. Paula seems to take some comfort in the femimine dress Ashley's mother had packed for her. The girls mock argue and to me, they're already dating. They wuv each other!
Outside of school, it seems Madison has managed to stand up both Glen and Aiden for a ride home from practice. She's a clever bitch.
Kelly comes in dressed like the just got off her shift at the Kat Skratch Club and I am concerned she make break into a strip show at any point. For some reason, Spencer still doesn't think it's a date. However, Clay finally figures out that it's not him being black that's throwing off the interest, it's the outdoor plumbing. Poor Clay.
Aiden and Glen walking and fighting.
This is probably one of my favourite parts of this episode. The remaining Carlins sit down to dinner and because I doubt Ashley gets a home cooked meal that often; she dives right into her plate and shovels food in her mouth. After a look of condesencion, Paula asks Ashley if perhaps she could stop licking the plate long enough to say Grace. Ashley is horrified, but gives it her best shot. Here it is: "Um, I'd like to thank everyone for being here. And thank you for the food." She ends there, but gets expectant looks from the rest of the table, so she goes on "And, uh, bless the starving children and bless the people giving the starving children fooood. And.. thank.. you God. Thank you, God." Looking around, "We good?" I think I may have fallen for her a little bit there. Honestly, the people who make a guest say Grace are a bunch of assholes. Look people, I don't have scripture crib notes written on my arms. I know how to say Amen, so I'll just do that part, alright? Arthur and Clay take it all in good stride, while Paula takes it as proof that Ashley is damned to hell and that she is in much better hands with Kelly.
Speaking of our lovely Kelly, she's taken Spencer to a backstage party which looks conspicuously like Gray. Kelly attempts to make various moves towards Spencer causing Spencer to run like hell to the bathroom and lock the door. Stay in there, Spencer! You're too good to be a booty call.
Aiden and Glen are still wandering around dark streets until they start rolling around in the dirt.
Paula is back to bad-mouthing Ashley and as luck would have it, Ashley gets an awesome score on Scrabble with "Triple-word Score: H-E-R-P-E-S!", followed by a trashy little dance. (Which is my official favourite scene in this episode.) Come on Paula, that was a adorable. Succumb to the power of Ashley! Meanwhile, in the trusted hands of Kelly, Spencer has to stop a major grope fest by her date. She's practically told to "put out or get out". Get out, Spencer! At the house, Ashley continues to bond with Clay over their troubled early childhood.
Some party girls pick up Aiden and Glen, who make pacts never to tell Spencer or Madison. Dude, Aiden, Spencer does not care who you bang on the side. You're delusional, man. Shut up!
Ah, our dater is back home and Ashley is waiting at the door to hear all the slimy details. She is adorable trying to extract information without actually having to hear any of it. I am going to assume Spencer "gaydar" is out for repairs or something, as not only could she not tell with Kelly; she also does not seem to be able to detect that Ashley is always making moony eyes at her. We almost had Ashley admitting her feelings, but she quickly covers it up by saying she was jealous in a "friend's kind of way". They hug.. a long hug. Paula interrupts sending them to sleep. Their nefarious lesbian plans are cancelled when Paula makes up the bed for Ashley on the living room couch. Oh Paula, you cock-block. 2.4 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 1 (She's sorry for not listening to her about Kelly and that she thought she was merely being jealous.)
Ashley: 0
Synchronized: 1 (Ashley: "Forgive me for being so needy?" Spencer:"Only if you forgive me for not trusting you?"

First Time:
Ashley is making an "art film with underpinnings of sexual tension" which just means she has an art-y way of asking people about their first times having sex. With the camera zoomed in on Spencer's face, she refuses to air her dirty secret "on tape". That sounded like an invitation for some private discussion to me, Ashley! The scenario made me wonder what I would say in such a situtation. I think "It was boring."* might make me look like a dud. I would spice it up to include ducks and stilettos. I would rather seem like a pervert than a bore in the sack.
In between classes, Chelsea makes Clay an offer of a date which seems terribly obivious to everyone, except Clay. He may have just aced a physics test, but homeskillet isn't the greatest at not-so-subtle hints. In another hall, Ashley is still trying to convince people to tell all on camera. Now, she's pestering Aiden, but we all know she's only doing it to be polite. She's interested in exactly one person's sexual experience and she's just not sharing. Even claims of sending Ashley down a path of self-destruction do nothing to sway her. Ashley, ever the bad girl, stops Madison with explanations of needing a star for her film. When Madison finds out about the subject matter, she mentally bitch-slaps Ashley and stomps off. Aiden and Spencer don't find this as funny as Ashley and I do. Meanwhile, Clay has figured out that perhaps he should ask Chelsea out on a date, so he asks his supposed stud brother the best way to do so. Glen is a typical macho ass about it and I pray Clay doesn't take his advice. Clay, being super smart, manages to guess Chelsea's cell number and asks her out on a date. If I was Chelsea, I would worry about how he figured out my number within 30 minutes without asking anyone.
We get a black and white view of Glen telling us about his first experience. Well, experiences, as he doesn't seem to be able to remember who exactly was the first. I know this is supposed to make him seem all sexy, but I can only wonder about the STDs he might have. Think about it. Glen has slept with Madison (or will), Madison with Aiden, Aiden with Ashley. All four have no qualms about the number or frequency of sexual partners. It's a cesspool of contagious germs at King High School. I am suddenly very concerned for Spencer's safety. (Actually, I really doubt this show is going to go the STD route with any of them, but I am so phobic of STDs; it's almost all I think about. What!?) Anyway, Ashley gets as bored with Glen as I do.
I really hate when shows/movies show instant messages and internet searches, especially when the damn things use no capital letters and only a rare instance of punctuation. Yeah, I fuck up my grammar sometimes, but it's nothing like the exchange between Aiden and Spencer.

aiden_hoops25: hey girl!
ohio_qte: hey hi
aiden_hoops25: don't be mad at me. i caved.
ohio_qte: what?
aiden_hoops25: i told ashley i would do her documentary
ohio_qte: u r braver than me

Two things. One, they are not even trying. You don't have to pay by character, for god's sake. Hit shift occasionally. Two, Spencer so does not care if Aiden shares his first time. Before they have time to assassinate the English language further, Glen comes in to use the computer because he looks at too much porn and his computer has a virus. (See, a virus from porn? STD from sex? They're being subtle!) After four seconds of typing, Glen opens his e-mail to find something I wish was mailed to me occasionally: a nude photo of Ashley, splayed and glittered up.
Back at school, we hear Aiden's first time. He was a pool boy. Young wife. Something something. She turns her attention to Clay who disappoints her with his admission to being a virgin. Everyone is eyeing Ashley as she walks down the hall. For the moment, Ashley is too busy trying to get Spencer to confess that she doesn't notice the attention. She even tries the "You're special. That's why I love you." routine. Spencer has a heart (and a chastity belt) of hardened steel. Aiden wanders by drooling over his cell phone. Spencer grabs his phone, only to realize it's the picture of naked Ashley (which apparently she has already seen!), and tries to make up an excuse why she hasn't told Ashley before then. Ashley, ever my hero, owns up to the picture and the school applaudes. Indeed. She would have known immediately if I had seen it because I would have run over and attempted to hump her leg.
Clay, needing more advice, asks Sean how to arrange the perfect date. While expounding poetics, Sean still talks about getting her in the sack. He also calls white people lousy in the sack. Jerk. There are far deeper reasons why I am a lousy lay, Sean! Chelsea, against her natural level-headedness, tells Ashley about her first time. It sucked. Man, Clay and Chelsea getting it on is going to be hot.. in an Amish sort of way.
At the Carlin house, Glen is giving Clay a lesson in attire. Sadly, Clay's outfit looks like something I have worn before.
Sean tells of his first time. At first, seeming all cocky and then breaking down to tell us she was killed two summers later. He almost cries.
Arthur and Paula are on their way to a Mardi-Gras party. Ashley seeing this as a lovely opportunity to ask the two about their first times. It was on their wedding night, natch. Liars! After they leave and as Clay starts to go out the door, Glen tells him to check his pockets for the "raincoats" he stashed in their for him. He's predicting "thunderstorms". Soon, the two of them are walking down a pier together discussing life and their families. It's all very sweet, but a little boring. However, they are adorable together so I tolerate it.
Somewhere in L.A., Paula and Arthur are arguing in the car about being lost. We also learn that ol' Glen was conceived in a car quite a time before their wedding night. Paula, you slut! She then makes vague comments about it having ruined her life, what with being stuck with a loving husband and wonderful kids.
At Ashley's place, she and Spencer are re-examining Ashley's nude photo. Spencer compliments her choice of body glitter but Ashley reveals, to an unbelieving Spencer, that it's not actually her. It clicks that Madison probably did it and Ashley pulls up a photo of them when they were friends during freshman year. The hamster must have woken up because we see Spencer madly typing away at the keyboard. Does no one use a mouse or touchpad? I can't imagine how my already horrible Photoshop would look if I didn't use my mouse.
As Clay and Chelsea are making out on the beach, the condom falls out of Clay's pocket. Chelsea gets self-righteous and then goes back to making out with Clay, but I am sure her legs are now firmly clamped shut. (If only to keep the sand out.)
We're back with our potentially lesbo duo. Ashley is recording what happened on her first time.. with a girl. She mentions wanting to give someone she loves their "special first time", even if it's technically not their first time having sex, in general. She is quite clearly talking to Spencer, who has been eyeing her the entire time.
The next day, Madison's pierced goodies are on display at school via a lifesize cut-out posted on the school bulletin board. Even Glen is smirking as his girlfriend denies that it is her and is rapidly tearing it down. I giggle and wish that everyone would move their damn head. First, no Ashley nudity because of a well-placed noggin (Ha! Network plug.). Then, none of Madison.
The final shots are of Spencer on Ashley's screen, telling of her first time. While Ashley watches this alone in her room, Spencer's video tells of getting it on in a barn. She cried, not knowing whether she was relieved or sad that it was over. She wishes she could have another first time with someone she really loves. She is so talking about Ashley! Ashley smiles to herself (and is probably thinking up devious ways of getting into Spence's chastity belt). 3.0 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 0
Ashley: 0
Synchronized: 0

Wow, no apologies. Take note, people. It will probably be the only time.
There was an Asian guy who walked by the camera right after the naked picture leaked to the school. And while this alone isn't really all that spectacular, I am quite sure the guy was at least 30, maybe 35. I know most actors tend to play parts that aren't really their age, but why are they pulling in extras from The Golden Girls for a teen show? He's not even a young looking 30. I am 27 and I still get carded for R-movies and M-games. However, I wouldn't try to play a high-school student. Well, unless I got to feel up Mandy Musgrave.
* To my first girlfriend: Sorry. You were great that time, I swear.

Girl's Guide to Dating:
Spencer is chatting online to someone about different ways to come out to your parents. After telling Spencer that her own parents went ballastic, she warns Spencer to just make sure that she is indeed gay and not in some sort of phase. Soon, a message blinks telling her to look outside her window. At first I thought it was from sportygrrll and figured Spencer had earned herself a genuine stalker, but alas, it is ashrocksit. Ashley is standing below her window in a bikini, tempting hr to skip school and go to the beach. Spencer, she's in a bikini! Shut off your computer, strap on a bikini, and head for the beach. When you're confronted about going off to school early, say you need to study for an important test. Do whatever you have to do.
On our beloved duo's way to the beach, the girls talk about not being caught and sometimes life is about having to lie and sometimes it's not.
Clay, Glen, and Sean are talking about the historical signifance of The Godfather movies. Suddenly, alarms are blaring and it's a school lockdown. As the doors are slammed shut, Clay's phone gets kicked out into the hallway. Our usual suspects are all in the room together. Clay's insistance on calling his parents makes me feel like I know exactly why he hasn't been laid yet. Let go of their hands, Clay. It's alright.
Oblivious to the lockdown at school, Ashley and Spencer are frolicking on the beach and generally re-enacting some of my dreams. However, this isn't all about fun and games. Spencer has something to tell Ashley. "I think.. I think I like girls." Ashley decides she needs time to process such information. (She's also wondering if she can shoplift a box of wine and get Spencer plastered in the back of her car.)
Lockdown. The cast is yelling at each other. Each blaming another person or race for the trouble. Of course, Glen butts heads with just about everyone. Black guys seem to ruffle his feathers. He doesn't like the gold lame feathers of the gays. I wonder if he's realised Madison is Hispanic.
Back at the beach, the girls are strolling down the sealine. In an effort to properly judge Spencer's gayness, Ashley feels she must take the "Are You Hot For Girls Quiz". I think it's a perfectly valid quiz, but one that needs only one question. What are your feelings on shoving your face in your female loved one's naked crotch and then having them reciprocate? Doesn't that get you going? If so, BING! Gay. Somehow, there are more questions to Ashley mockery of a quiz; ones that include "Avril or Lindsay?" and "Thirteen or Blue Crush?". The first one, eww. The second one, well, they have my number. I watched that damn movie for Michelle Rodriguez in swimming clothes. I also don't mind my face in a girl's crotch. In an effort not to directly call Spencer gay, as two boys run past, Ashley feigns interest in them and ask them to join the girls on their towels.
Arthur is counseling a severely beaten Asian drug-dealer. He finds out his meeting is cancelled, so he decides to grab lunch and surprise his wife at work. Poor Arthur, he just wants to give love. He walks in on his wife and her boss, Ben, talking over some charts. Arthur recognizes him immediately and a bulb suddenly flashes in his head as to why she brought them all out here suddenly.
Spencer is incredulous. She goes into tantrum mode and stomps away. Spencer follows after her and then is forced to drive along side of her when she won't get into the car. Ashley acknowledges her mistake and says that she just didn't know what to do. She wanted this day to be important to her because it's like the last day of the old Spencer. This gets Spencer back in the car. Soon, they are walking under the piers discussing what makes a person gay or straight.
Back at school, the students are remembering their past classes together. How Madison and Sean were almost friends in middle school and have been in the same classes since 3rd grade. How the goth girl in the corner also hung out with them. They reminisce about the better times. How small is the school district that they have been in the same classes almost their entire school career?
Spencer wants the girl's guide to dating and what the advantages of dating either sex are. Advantages of being a lesbian: larger clothing collection, more shoes, more feelings, more understanding. Disadvantages: They can still break your heart like a guy. Cheat on you. Lie to you. And the one final downside, people you don't know are going to hate you for it.
Back in the boring classroom. People start bonding, somewhat. I guess. In a way. And then lockdown is over and as they walk through the door; everything goes back to normal and I have never been more relieved that Madison is back at being a bitch.
Paula and Arthur are quietly yelling at each other over food. In a convenient TV report, they find out about the lockdown at King High. Clay and Glen pop up sans Spencer, so Paula is instantly suspicious. Probably with good reason this time.
Ashley wants to get away from here, going anywhere. Spencer says she's only skipped her first day today, she's not ready to flee the country. Ashley drops her off near her door and as Spencer walks to the door, Ashley keeps her eyes on Spencer's butt. Spence looks back at Ashley and they smile, that gooey smile. 3.0 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 0
Ashley: 1 (Sorry she screwed up with inviting the boys over. She didn't want Spencer to feel bad and she didn't know the right way to make her feel better.)
Synchronized: 0

Friends with Benefits:
Ashley is questioning Spencer about how she should dress for the big party at the Highlands. Spencer, for some reason, seems shocked that Ashley mentions wearing sexy clothes. I am assuming she has just met Ashley. Ashley tells Spencer it is better than saying absolutely nothing with her clothes and implies that Spencer is a bore. (She calls it "sweet and innocent", but trust me, that means boring.) Aiden wanders over to ask if they are going to the party. They decide to meet at Ashley's first. Spencer and Aiden awkwardly hit on each other, I cringe, and the title scenes roll.
Sean is trying to talk Clay into going to a Zhang Yimou Chinese kung-fu film festival with him, only to have Clay balk at having to read subtitles. For Christ's sake, how complex do kung-fu films get? Aren't they mostly about kicking ass? The movies in question: Hero, Raise the Red Lantern, and The Story of Qui Ju. Sean finally convinces Clay to go with him. Sean mentions that they have to make a quick stop first. I think we're supposed to believe it's a drug run.
We're at the Carlin house and Arthur is doing his Emeril impression. BAM! Paula calls to tell him she'll be late. Arthur is crest-fallen, but Glen comes in and Arthur focuses his attention on bugging him instead. Glen tells him there is a basketball game on. They bond.
Ashley's house. The girls are trying on different outfits. Ashley wonders what the hell was up with Spencer hitting on Aiden, especially after the "I like girls" conversation. Honestly, I am not paying a lot of attention to the conversation as they keep disrobing. And of course, cue Aiden. Spencer runs off to answer the door.
Sean and Clay are walking Sean's grandmother out of church. This was that super-secret errand he had to run. Heaven forbid he just say, "I go to church with my grandmother every Friday.", no, that would have been too easy. Not one person who watches this show thought that Sean was out to score drugs. Sean tells his grandmother that Clay is Muslim so they can get the hell out of there without having to meet the pastor. Lying on God's front lawn, Sean? Tsk tsk.
Ashley waltzes out of her closet (no pun intended), expecting massive compliments only to get a generic response. Aiden compliments Spencer and she kisses his cheek. Ashley refrains from ripping out his vocal cords and just peeks from around the door. Okay, this Spencer hitting on Aiden thing is retarded, honestly. If you like him, own up to him. Quit fucking around with him.. and me.
Arthur and Glen are dismayed to find out their basketball game has been blacked out. Glen offers up some video b-ball while Arthur sets two huge plates of pasta in front of them. Glen makes fun of his dad's game and the two make a bet over a free throw of a paper ball into the garbage. Glen then wonders what the hell is wrong between him and Paula. Arthur shrugs him off. Glen's a dumbass and doesn't get anymore information.
Ashley is still trying on clothes. Dismayed her competition is wearing black also (Aiden), Ashley drags Spencer into her massive closet and asks Spencer what the hell is up. No kidding, Ash, I was thinking the same damn thing. This conversation is up for much debate.

Ashley: Okay, what is going on, Miss I Think I Like Girls?
Spencer: He's sweet.. and hot. And fun.
Ashley: Are you sure Aiden's what you want?
Spencer: Why?
Ashley: Because if he's not, I may be interested.
Spencer: A competition?

See, some took it as Ashley being in competition with Spencer for Aiden. I took it as Ashley being in competition with Aiden for Spencer, especially based on the earlier conversation of her and Aiden both wearing black. I choose to look at the more desirable side. I also don't like Aiden. Spencer is probably taking it as competition for Aiden, based on the horror that shows up on my screen in a few minutes.
Sean and Clay are taking an alley-way shortcut (in L.A., people!) and are aggravated at a bum that impedes their way. Sean is making fun of Clay's shoes, while Clay makes fun of Sean's bracelet. This is important later, write it down. The bum is soon the least of their worries when they have a set of guns pointed at their heads and they are forced out of the car and on to the ground. Seriously, Clay is having the worst "black experiences" ever and I bet he's wishing he was back in Ohio.
Out of the closet, Ashley mentions she always thought Aiden was a good kisser and then decides to lay a smooch on Aiden. I weep a little. Ashley walks off to get her jacket. Spencer, taking it as a cue, then also kisses Aiden. Honestly, people! Ugh. Aiden wonders why they are even going to the party, as Ashley and Spencer eye and smile at each other. I, personally, am wondering why Aiden is ruining my Ashley-Spencer sandwich.
Two stretchers are wheeled in with gunshot victims bearing the wallets of Clay and Sean. Dr. Ben scampers off to tell Paula her son is dead in the E.R.
Great, we're back at Ashley's and she is laying another wet one on Aiden. Aiden bows out for a second claiming to have to go to the bathroom. He's stupid, I would have just asked to borrow a cup and kept on with the lip smackdown. What do you mean that would probably be worse? I am showing dedication. Anyway, Spencer and Ashley laugh as Aiden leaves to go to the bathroom. They both agree it is silly for them to be doing this. Ashley finally breaks the ice by asking what is going on between the two girls. After Spencer says she was picturing Ashley the whole time, Ashley agrees and movies in for a kiss with a comforting, "It's okay." Just when I am about to squeal like a school-girl, goddamn Aiden walks in pointing and "Whoa!"-ing. Son of a bitch! Although Aiden offers to leave, Spencer decides she needs to. She can't do this, "not like this". In a way, I agree. In another way, holy farking shit, kiss already!
Glen and Arthur are still talking when Glen gets a text from Spencer telling him to come get her sans their father. Glen takes this as a way to get away from his rambling father and gets the hell out of there.
Paula gets the news about Clay, runs down to the E.R. and discovers that the bodies that had the wallets, merely had on Clay's shoes and Sean's bracelet.
Sean and Clay are walking and arguing about being car-jacked. Man, people are tough after the fact. Clay steps on glass. They decide they are going the wrong way, turn around, and Sean steps on the same piece of glass.
Arthur and Paula comfort each other. Dr. Ben looks depressed. Fuck off, homewrecker!
Clay and Sean are still walking home when they come across a police officer. Sean is still weary after the last helpful police officers and doesn't want to talk to them. Clay, still trusting, tells them what happened and they take the two guys home.
After talking to Spencer on the phone, Aiden calls Ashley hot. Instead of a cold shower, they decide to take a cold swim.
Here's the thing, I liked this episode if only because the two girls finally admit there is "something" between them. Even if they aren't quite sure what that something is or the magnitude of it, the admission is something most of us were looking forward to. I don't think I have to say how delighted, yet disappointed, I was about the almost kiss. Here's hoping we'll get it next episode. 3.1 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 0
Ashley: 0
Synchronized: 0

Under My Skin:
Spencer and Ashley are at the school's fundraiser car wash. Aiden walks over and flirts with the girls by offering to "shine their rims". I have heard it called a lot of things, but really, "shine your rims"? (By the way, this invited all sorts of unwanted rim job jokes in my house.) Aiden asks if everything is okay between them from last weekend. Spencer says he cleared some things up for her. I'm not okay, Aiden. Madison arrives to take Ashley's money for the car wash. Begrudgingly I must add, as Ashley took the money out of her cleavage. Madison takes a swipe at Ashley's parents which causes Ashley to regret ever letting anyone into her life. Spencer asks if she's going to get rid of her because she knows so much. Before Ashley can deny anything, a girl, named Josie, comes over to take about Ashley's car. This garners Ashley's attention and as the two blather on about Ashley's awesome ride, Spencer feels left out (or gets extremely bored like I did) and walks off. Josie's a dirty slut and Ashley is quite interested and offers to take Josie on a tour of the town. Before the titles run, Josie steals the money from the bake sale table (which Spencer sees because she's only one step away from using binoculars to watch them).
Clay and Sean are talking about Clay's Social Ecology term paper, his topic: "Define white society's resistance to contemporary black slang using James Baldwin's book." Um, which book? I have a feeling it's Native Son. Sean doesn't see the problem, mainly because if he were any more empowered himself, he'd turn into a panther. Clay, growing up around a bunch of whities, feels the topic will be quite a challenge to him. (I must agree. I grew up around a bunch of straight people and the gay lifestyle is quite foreign to me. I have no idea what to do.)
Spencer is eating at a lunch table when Ashley walks up and steals her brownie. No, not like that. After complimenting Spencer's brownies, she notices that she's not being spoken to. When Spencer expresses frustration at Ashley picking up strangers, Ashley uses the quite juvenile, "There's no reason to be all jealous. It's not like you're my girlfriend.". Yep, that will certainly win her over Ashley. Good going, stud. Ashley tells Spencer she's going to skip school and take Josie to the beach. What is with these people and the beach? When I skipped school, I would stay home and play video games. What was I actually thinking this entire conversation? "Bitch took her brownie and then didn't even eat the whole thing. I would ignore her just for that. I just adore brownies!"
Glen bumps into Aiden in the hallway. They compare cocks and Glen invites Aiden over for a "friendly" poker game.
Sean and Clay are talking about James Baldwin and slaves. Glen comes in to invite them to poker.
Ashley has tkane Josie back to the homestead where Josie has raided the fridge and subtley asks Ashley to crash at her place, even after she bought the hosebag clothes and gifts. Ashley agrees because she has a good soul somewhere deep inside that bad girl facade, but for some reason doesn't seem to know when she's being taken advantage of. Ashley goes to get Josie a soda, so Josie takes it upon herself to steal some of Ashley's belongings and call someone in Thailand. A simple "Thank you" would have been nice.
Ashley sits down next to Spencer to tell her she's been suspended again. Spencer knows exactly who the accomplice was and continues to freeze Ashley out. When Ashley asks Spencer what she's doing later, Spencer asks why she's not hanging out with Josie. I like sassy Spencer. They trade mean quips and Ashley storms off.
Clay and Sean are in line to get their papers back. Clay is devastated to get a C-. He takes it as an offense to his very black-ness. Clay's rants run off both Chelsea and Sean.
Spencer tries to call Ashley but gets her voicemail. Paula comes down the stairs for her "date" with Spence. Yeah, I'd much rather hang out with Paula than Ashley, especially because if I even mention Ashley; Paula will have a fit. There is a knock on the door and Spencer runs to it, hoping it's Ashley, only to find Aiden and Sean who are there for the poker game.
Arthur is kicking ass at the poker table. They're playing Texas Hold 'Em, which I kick ass at. Bring it, Arthur! Chelsea arrives to rescue Clay from his total defeat. Clay and Chelsea are on the lawn's park bench where Clay is apologizing for being an ass to her. He's still ranting about being black and Chelsea tells him he needs to be who he thinks he should be. Black, white, big ol' goober, whatever, I guess.
Paula is thanking Spencer for the movie and asks if everything is alright with her. She feels she is losing Spencer. Spencer complains about being a teenager at this time in L.A. She makes the mistake of bringing up Ashley which seems to insert a rod in Paula's ass. Wow, her disgust knows no bounds. Why do I like Paula so much? When Paula questions whether Spencer really thinks Ashley has a good heart, Spencer answers with an immediate and emphatic "Yes!". Damn straight. Paula agrees to try not to question their friendhip so much. Yeah right.
Arthur is counts his wad of cash and leaves the three boys to continue playing.
Ashley is waiting in the dark for Spencer to come home. She looks so sad. They arrive and Paula tries to make small talk before going back in the house. The girls apologize to each other. I really have no idea why Spencer apologized. Ashley goes on to explain that she does look for attention in the wrong places, Spencer forgives her. When asked where Josie is, she is nowhere to be found after stealing clothes, an iPod, and a bootleg Damien Rice cd. (Today's lesson is not to pirate thing, kiddies!) While Spencer is gazing lovingly at Ashley, Paula comes out with brownies and milk. Ashley stands at military attention every time Paula comes near her. If I wasn't just staring at them, you'd think Ashley had her hand up Spencer's shirt or something. Ashley is as shocked as I am when Paula asks her to stay the night, as she's made her bed on the couch. This tickles me.

Spencer: I'm glad you came back tonight. I couldn't handle another night without talking to you.
Ashley: Me too. I love.. (looking at Spencer) these brownies! (looks away quickly)

Yeah, Spencer loves you too, Ashley. 3.2 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 0
Ashley: 0
Synchronized: 1 (I think Spencer apologized for freezing Ashley out. Ashley apologizes for not heeding Spencer's advice on Josie, when she was obviously looking out for her best interests.)

Shake Rattle & Roll:
Ah, the lovely location shots I have grown to hate. If they would skip them, we'd get a good 5 minutes extra to focus on Spencer and Ashley. I think it's a fair trade.
Madison and the other cheerleaders are getting suited up in the locker room. Ashley walks in to grab something out of her locker, but before she even moves, Madison is telling everyone to cover up. Ashley comforts Madison with the fact that she wouldn't be turned on by her if they were batteries wired to her nipples. That's more or less what she says anyway. In strolls Spencer, who she calls Ashley's girlfriend. Wow, was that an insult? I would take that as a compliment of the grandest kind. When Madison's minion calls Spencer a butch, Ashley goes to take a swing at her. Spencer justs in time, but Ashley walks back over and tells Madison to watch out because all her boyfriends end up liking lesbians and she finds Glen even cuter than Aiden. *SLAP!* and the catfight begins. The fight is hilarious really. Spencer is holding back Ashley while Madison has grabbed Ashley's bangs in her fist. Madison also has her foot around stomach level and I'm not sure what sort of karate move she's attempting. The fight ends and Madison tells Ashley to stay out of her way or else. "Oh really? What's gonna happen? Are we gonna rumble, chica?", fires back Ashley. God, I love that part. That's a good almost-girlfriend, Ashley. Stick up for your woman. The crap from Ashley's purse is scattered about the locker room. They manage to pick up everything except the cell phone they discreetly show in the corner.
Ashley can not believe she is at a Cougar's basketball game. "Cobras", Spencer gentlely corrects. Whatever. (No kidding.) She tries to escape at the overtime buzzer. Also needing to phone her mother, Ashley cannot find her cell phone. Bum bum buuuum! She can't find it but remembers last having it in the locker room. Spencer and Ashley wander out of the game to go to the locker room. I expect sexy-sex, but we don't get it. They are just looking for a cell phone. *yawn!* Thinking it might be in lost and found, Ashley uses her credit card to bust into the coach's office. It's Spencer's duty to stand guard.
As Glen is leaving the gym, some young, rolly girl runs over to him for his autograph what with him being the star basketball player and all. Aiden is right behind him, looking on in misery. As they are standing there, a scout for ULV offers Glen his business card and, well, a car. Oooh! FOUL! OFF SIDES! PENALTY! Anyway, that shit's illegal. Madison practically has an orgasm over the sight of the car and the impending windfall of money.
Ashley is still looking around in the coach's office. Spencer makes for the worst guard ever as she herself is busted and led out of the building. Not having seen her get caught, Ashley wonders where the hell she went.
More scout talk with the family.. and Aiden and Madison. As they are talking, Spencer is led past by the security guard, which leaves everyone speechless. And me a little giggly.
Spencer is getting the parental lecture about disappointing her parents. Arthur is pissed about the breaking and entering, but Paula is REALLY pissed that she took the blame for Ashley. Paula gets on her cross and say that she has tried to give Ashley the benefit of the doubt,

Cell sex potential? Hell yeah.

but I believe we may have all missed that 2,3 millisecond time period when that occured. Arthur tries to send Spencer to her room, but evil Paula thinks that is way to lenient. She hands out a month grounding with a nice 30 day cooler from Ashley, as well. Aww Hell Nah! Arthur thinks the 3 day suspension from school is enough. Paula says "they" will discuss it later as a team, so she can tell him what to do then, I guess.
Everyone is at the dinner table, mostly talking about Glen and his new car. Well, mostly, it's Madison drooling over Glen's car. Spencer looks as miserable as I feel right now. From this conversation, we find that Madison and Glen have no ethics, but we knew that before, yes? Ashley asks to be excused and after being reminded of the grounding, goes upstairs.
Spencer is doing her homework when Ashley calls. (I am going to veer a little here while also pretending this episode was aired on Showtime instead of the-n. With them both on the phone, and with the way Ashley is laying and all, I thought we were about to bust out with some phone loving. I was wrong, but a girl can dream.) While they are talking, someone calls Ashley from her stolen cell phone. It's Madison. Ashley clicks back over to tell Spencer she's screwed. (One more veer here. If Ashley knows that Madison has her phone and told Spencer, you would think Spencer would just walk downstairs and get the damn phone back, no? What the hell?) Spencer is trying to study, but she keeps breaking out her memory box that includes a picture of her and Ashley. Glen knocks and she hides the picture in her notebook. Glen is wondering what to do about the car. After a routine brotherly jab, Spencer throws the notebook and Glen finds the picture. He looks irked, but says nothing. He does threaten to kick her butt if she tells anyone he was up there asking for advice, though.
Clay tries to talk to Madison about influencing Glen's decisions about the car and the college. It doesn't work.
Spencer is back on the phone with Ashley. Upon spying out her window, Spencer sees Glen and Madison getting all hot and nasty in the new car. Ashley has an idea. Of course she does.
Back inside, Arthur is milling about the kitchen when Paula's cell phone beeps on the counter. Doing what he probably shouldn't, but something I could see myself do, he looks at the message.

ben: i miss u

Okay see, I expressed outrage over the one letter spelling of words before. That outrage was directed at teens, however, this dude is an ER doctor. If he can't be arsed to type in a couple extra letters, who knows what kind of shortcuts he is taking when he's working on you. My anger aside, Paula walks in, sees the message, and stammers an "I can explain." She barely gets to explaining that he's not humping him yet when Arthur walks off.
Ashley and Aiden are walking down the hall where everyone is smirking at Ashley again. They stop by Sean and Clay's locker so Ashley can find out when the best time to see Spence sans parents. Wondering why Sean is looking at her all funny, he shows her a steamy text message about her bedroom technique that originated from her cell phone. Oh Madison, you clever duck, but you spelled it wrong. Pissed off, Ashley goes stomping after Madison.
Madison and her minions are all squealing and giggling over the contents of Ashley's cell phone. You know, if I even had a cell phone, the only thing on it would be my parents' number and a picture of my dog. How scandalous. When Ashley walks in, Madison is just showing the girls some of the pictures when one of them realizes the girl in the picture is not even Ashley, it's Madison and Glen. Madison, humiliated, storms off.
Glen gives back the car. Madison is flabbergasted.
Ashley is ringing Spencer's doorbell like a crazed Girl Scout. As Spence opens the door, Ashley hears Arthur in the background. She sneaks Ashley upstairs. Ashley still feels bad about Spencer taking the rap for her. They flirt, but nothing comes of it. Just when you think they are about to kiss, a freaking earthquake hits. Yes, even nature is trying to keep them from kissing. Fuck off, nature!
Spencer sneaks Ashley back out of the house and they hug.
Inside again, all the family is picking up broken glass and picture frames. Clay finds pictures of Spencer and Glen as infants/young children, but none of him. He says there is no record of him and decides he should find his mother. Um, Clay, my dear, you were put up for adoption as a baby; your biological mother won't have any of your desperately needed pictures. Sorry, buddy. 2.7 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 0
Ashley: 0
Synchronized: 0

Say It Ain't So, Spencer:
Ashley and Spencer are in the school bathroom, fixing their make-up and adjusting their clothes. When Spencer can not find her favourite lip gloss, she borrows Ashley's. When Ashley makes the comment about now it won't show, Spencer grows some brain cells.

Spencer: Aww, now you have me wearing your shade. How convenient. Just in case we end up in some spontaneous lip-lock.
Ashley: Trust me, it won't be spontaneous.

Sadly, Madison and her minion were in the bathroom too and overheard the conversation. Being the loyal catholic girl she is, she feels she must inform Glen of her sister's gay-iness. The minion tries to say that Madison has pre-marital sex and that's a sin, but Madison says it's a different kind of "okay sin". I roll my eyes. Hey! So does the minion.
Chelsea, Clay, and Sean are talking about Clay's biological mother and his excitement at finding her and going to meet her in Las Vegas. He is keeping this all hush-hush from his real family, however. I don't know if that's really fair to them, but I guess people do it different ways.
Madison is practicing her "I hate to be the one to tell you.." faces for Glen. She walks over to Glen to spill the secrets about Spencer and Ashley in the bathroom (with a few added comments). Glen, now rabid, confronts Spencer about the accusations. Spencer questions his loyalty over the "gold-digging booty-call". She half-ass deny/admits it. Glen claims she'll be another notch in Ashley's headboard. She gets angry at him, thanks him for his crappy loyalty, and storms off.
Ashley's sitting in Spencer's bed with Spencer pacing in front of it. While Ashley tries to comfort her my saying it's nothing, Spencer says she's not used to being front page trash like Ashley is. If she wasn't angry, I am sure that wouldn't have come out of her mouth, as it was really mean. Ashley says that Madison is using this to break them up. Spencer loses her cool and half-yells that they aren't a couple. She wants to figure out who she is before she's crucified for it. Her refusal to admit any attraction hurts Ashley and she storms off.
Paula and Arthur are sniping in the kitchen about Ben. Arthur doesn't want to be the priority over Dr. Ben just because he should be. Arthur suggests they go to couple's therapy. She agrees, barely.
Glen is outside school waiting for Ashley to show up. He tells her to quit hitting on his sister, that she's not this way. Ashley says she's good unless she hears it from Spencer herself. He manages to find the small doubt in Ashley and exploit the hell out of it, telling her to stay away, as that's what Spencer really wants.
Locker room. Glen tells Aiden about how much Spencer likes him. I hate him and Glen.
In the car with Paula and Arthur, Paula is livid that Arthur told the counselor that they were not having sex. No wonder Paula is so uptight. Goodness. Arthur is having a hard time getting past the fact that the entire family moved out there to be closer to Dr. Ben. It certainly looks like that way, doesn't it? The therapist tells them to spend Saturday together and do something they would normally not do. In Paula's case, she should probably get some sexing. I'm just saying.
School. Spencer is sunning herself, probably waiting for Ashley. However, Aiden sidles up and asks what she's doing this weekend. Spence is feeling flirtatious and works her charms on Aiden, who invites her to a concert at the Hollywood Bowl. (Oh, this just can't be good.) She seems happy at first, but then manages a look similar to a confused disappointment. As if she's doing it merely because she's unsure of herself right now. Maybe having a nice date with a guy will help her come to grips with the lesbian thing?
Ashley makes the mistake of walking into the bathroom already occupied by Madison and the minion. They inform her of Spencer's date with Aiden. You can almost see her world crumble right then. I want to punch Madison and the minion in the tits. Poor Ashley, come here, I'll give you a hug.
We're at the Hollywood Bowl with Spencer and Aiden. I think Aiden is trying to wax poetical. Spencer tells him she's following his lead tonight. Aiden wonders what the hell is going on and what is going on with her and Ashley? To help with his worries, Spencer starts kissing him. (I'm going to take a nap real quick.) She's on top of him in no time, but she seems bored.
Party at Gray's. Ashley is lamenting to the bartender. Clay gets a call from Sean saying they won't let his cousin in the E.R. because of lack of insurance. Clay calls his mom for help. Too bad the parents are in the middle of an awkward sexing up scene. I am relieved it's over. Really, really, really relieved.
Spencer and Aiden are still making out. Seriously, Spencer is forcing it and Aiden wonders who she is trying to convince with the straight girl routine. Spencer figures it would be easier to be straight. Aiden is oddly comforting and I don't hate him right this second.
More parental awkward sex shots.
Back at the club, and much to my disappointment, some ugly, raver, druggie girl waltzes over to Ashley and makes her an offer she can't refuse. They stumble into the bathroom together and make-out sloppily on the couch. When someone walk in on them, they decide to leave and hit Ashley's house. Cat, the bartender, is shaking her head in disapproval. So am I. The make-out bitch is goddamn ugly. This is our first lesbo kiss on the show? Thanks a lot.
Ashley calls Spencer. The girl answers, but says Ashley doesn't want to talk to her. Spencer asks Aiden to drive her over there.
Boz, Sean's cousin, is fine.
We're back with the ugly bitch at Ashley's. She's putting back on her top and while Ashley is passed out on the bed, the girl goes through her wallet and steals other trinkets. Spencer catches her and asks her to explain herself. Spence is going to kick her ass! Okay, only in my dreams. As ugly walks out, body-checking Spencer, she mentions how much Ashley had been talking about her the whole night. Spencer goes over to Ashley to make sure she's okay. Ashley opens her eyes and is surprised to find Spencer there. Apology ahead!

Spencer: I'm sorry. I was freaked out. I didn't want to deal with being gay, but I couldn't deal with not being with you. (Awwwwwwww!)
Ashley: I'm not easy.
Spencer: That's not what I heard.
Ashley: I meant to be with.
Spencer: I know, but we're already friends and that's the hard part. So let's just start there and see what happens.

Argh, I could have sworn a kiss would have followed that. Boo! Although, instead, we get a cute shot of Ashley resting her head in Spencer's lap while Spence rubs her hair. That stuff puts me to sleep every time. A smarmy "To Be Continued..." is slapped on to the screen. Jerks. We're getting progress though, folks. That's good enough for me! 3.2 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 1 (Sorry about the date with Aiden and how it hurt her. She wasn't ready to deal with being gay.)
Ashley: 1 (I don't know how well this one really applies. She says the word sorry, but it's not for anything's she's done. She says, "I'm just so sorry this is so terrible for you, but what hurts even more is the fact that you don't want anyone to believe it's true, even if it is a lie." See? Is that really considered an apology.)
Synchronized: 0

Damn, the next episode is the last one of this season.

What Just Happened?:
It's morning and Spencer is laying in Ashley's bed, stroking a sleeping Ashley's hair. Ashley wakes up, almost stunned that Spencer is still there after such a rough night. Usually people just abandon her, but Spencer claims that would be too boring. And plus, then she wouldn't get to see your disheveled, bed-head look. It's win-win. (Sidebar: Ashley's sheets sound scratchy.) Ashley's mom waltzes in, sees Spencer in the bed, and suggests that perhaps her playmates shouldn't be there in the morning. Spencer tries to deny any sexual overtones, but it's not working as we hear her list off a few of Ashley's last horrible conquests. She tosses some money on the bed and leaves. Spencer walks over, sits next to Ashley, and ask her if she really had slept with all those women. Ashley, in needing of a good foot in the mouth, says, "Those are only the ones she found out about." Yeah, good going there, Ash. She goes on to say that, "None of them meant anything." Spencer thinks the same as I do and pronounces, "And that makes it better?" We know you're easy Ashley, but you're not supposed to seem icky in front of someone you are trying to woo. Don't get me wrong. I am all for lots of safe sex, the get it where you find it type, but I wouldn't start calling out the roll list of them in front of a potential "steady" girlfriend.
Spencer walks into the house in time to hear her mother and father harp on her about being home and going to church in the morning. You can almost literally see the steam coming out of Paula's ears when the name Ashley is mentioned. Spencer tries to go upstairs after an apology, but is stopped by her mother. Paula claims that she is becoming different, but Spencer has another thought process. She wonders why there is such a double standard for Glen, who goes out all the time with who knows who, yet no one says anything.

Paula: It's that girl. I'm telling you..
Spencer: Here we go. You know what? Her name is Ashley. Ashley. Why won't you ever say her name?
Paula: You want me to say her name? I'll say her name. You're not allowed to see Ashley anymore.
Spencer: What? Why?
Paula: Because she's a bad influence. I am telling you, you are forbidden to see Ashley.
Spencer: Yeah, and how are you gonna stop me, you're never home.
Paula: *SLAP!*

Oh Paula, you sassy woman! Can't you see? She can't help it if she loves Ashley more than bees love honey, more than jews love money. Spencer runs up to her room, shocked. The rest of the family stands around, um, shocked. I suppose they have always had a no-hitting household until then. This is quite clearly "that girl's" fault. Arthur tells Paula she needs to calm down. Paula threatens to leave. Arthur can not summon up the gumption to care.
At school, Ashley and Spencer make their first couple-y move and holds hands. Ashley checks her life-line. All looks well for our gorgeous couple until Madison walks by and makes an "Isle of Lesbos" joke. This darkens Ashley's mood and she wanders off to class.
Chelsea says her parents fight merely to have make-up sex. Clay informs her that he called his biological mother and he's going to see her in Las Vegas. Chelsea is perfectly supportive.
Madison sees Glen meeting with another scout. She freaks out about the prospect of Glen leaving her behind when he goes off to college. She freaks out and mentions marriage. Slow down there, cowgirl!
Ashley and Spencer are discussing Spence's parental problems. Ashley is being lovingly supportive until Spencer gives her a thank-you hug; she then clams up, makes excuses, and walks away. Spencer looks after her, confused.
Boz, Sean's cousin, is fine. Clay needs to borrow Sean's car.
Paula calls from the hospital to tell Arthur that she needs some time and distance apart.
At first, we only see Ashley and Spencer at the table, obviously not enjoying each other's company. Aiden walks over with drinks and still, no one talks.

Spencer: What is up with you, Ashley? Look, sometimes you're pulling me close to you and then I try to take a step towards you and you close up and move away.
Aiden: Exactly!
Spencer: Can you give us a minute?
Aiden: Sure, I'll be right over here if either one of you guys decide to, uh, "straighten" up.
Aiden walks away, which causes Ashley to question whether Spencer wants to live her life like this, the brunt of everyone's little jokes. Ashley says she tries to laugh it off because it hurts too much otherwise. Spencer, however, is not taking that crap and continues with her questioning.

Spencer: Look, you know what? I can't just be your friend, Ashley. It has to be more than that or I'm out of your life. I need to figure out mine.

Ashley doesn't say anything so Spencer leaves Ashley there at the table. Run after her, you fool!
We're at school, Ashley is asking for Aiden's advice on Spencer. Aiden, for once, says something smart when he tells her that because she has always been the heartbreaker, she's probably afraid that Spencer could be the one to break hers. Ashley tells him he would make a great girl.
Aiden and Glen in the locker room. Aiden gives Glen a pep-talk. I am nodding off.
Clay is on his way to Vegas. He stops in front of a diner, the one his mother works at, I assume. I find this whole segemtn hard to handle, mainly because I could possibly go through the same thing as some point in my life. I am just uncomfortable with it all. The gist is that she thinks she made the best decision for Clay while Clay feels really disappointed that she isn't crying and wailing from regret. Aw, boo-hoo Clay. Another problem here is the horrible casting of his mother. It's fucking Vanessa Huxtable! Tempestt Bledsoe is only 6 years older than the actor that plays Clay. She looks more like his jilted baby-momma. This trip was a complete horror for both me and Clay.
We see Glen playing a pick-up game of basketball at a dark court when he suddenly twists his leg and falls to the ground.
Spencer is telling her father that she wants the family to be okay when someone knocks on the door. Not expecting anyone, Arthur opens the door with Spencer trailing along. Yay, it's Ashley! Arthur greets Ashley and lets her in the house. He leaves the two alone to talk in the living room.
Glen is at the E.R. with his mom treating him.
We're in the Carlin's living room.

Spencer: So?
Ashley: So, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the come here-go away trip I have been putting you through.
Spencer: Okay. Why would you do that?
Ashley: Because I want you and I don't want to hurt you.
Spencer: I can take care of myself. And with some left over to take care of you.

This causes Ashley to smile. This causes Spencer to smile. They both cause me to smile. It's just wonderful right now. Ashley tells Spencer to come to her place tonight, as her mother will be out of town for a couple days. Spencer agrees and I squeal with delight. In the midst of all the homo-loving, the heteros are having a really shit day.
Clay is crying in the car in front of the diner.
Madison and Glen fight about his injuries, I am sure, resulting in Madison storming out and Glen flipping his trays while yelling.
Paula is crying in a car and getting comforting by Dr. Ben: Homewrecker.
Arthur is hitting the sauce, alone.
Madison is now fondling Aiden's leg at Gray's where he looks perfectly miserable.
Poor, poor straight people. Honestly, you should take Spencer and Ashley as examples. Right now, they're in Ashley's room, where she pulls Spencer closer, strokes her cheek, and gives her a deep kiss. Of course, her damn hand is blocking the view of the lips, but I am trying not to complain. After the kiss, the camera goes fuzzy as the girls lead each other to the bed, kiss again, and lay down. Fade out. Finally, the damn kiss we were all waiting for! Minus the hand, it was a perfectly lovely setting and a charming kiss. 3.6 / 4.0

Spencer/Ashley Apology Count:
Spencer: 0
Ashley: 1 (Sorry for the come here-go away trip she put Spencer through.)
Synchronized: 0

Damn, I love this show. I try to make myself not like it because I am 27-years old and not some goofy, sexually-confused teenager, but I can't help it. They have an attractive cast, decent writing for a "teen" show, and it attempts to tackle real problems kids may face today. I think I am one of hundreds of people who wishes they had a show like this on when they were younger. I do have some things that bother me about the way they show relationships in this show, but that will be on the next season's commentary, not this one. The slow build-up to "the kiss" was brilliant. It's unbelievable how many people over the age of 25 were just waiting with baited breath for the Ashley-Spencer kiss. I know, I was one of them. Oh my gosh, I like trashy teen soap operas. Dammit.
I recommend this show for anyone, but especially for gay and lesbian youths who may have questions, feel a little different, feel a little afraid, or just need to realize there are people out there just like them. I really doubt South of Nowhere is everyone's taste, but it's good-hearted and I hope it enjoys success. And we better get some damn DVDs, freaking Degrassi has a truckload of them.

Average score because if not, I'd give it a four.

3.0 / 4.0

.. Posted by Anj Kay