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See No Evil
He is "The Hand of God".
Look, I am ignoring the fact that this film is taking production from not one, but two types of
wrestling business. WWE Films and acting as Executives Producer, WWE. I am also overlooking the
fact that the main guy in this movie is/was an actual wrestler himself. The Rock has seemed to
supplant himself into this media, why shouldn't Kane, oh sorry, I mean Glen Jacobs have that
same opportunity. As far as I care, if he can grunt and kill teenagers effectively, he has
completed my two part checklist of cheesy horror movies. Oh one more to make the trio, the
Director is famed for his porn movies. I'll see you on the other side.
Wee get some action right from the start. Two officers are called to a disturbance at some old
hotel that apparently was covered in religious symbols everywhere. Crosses and candles and one
huge guy wielding an axe. Metal hits flesh. Bullet hits flesh. Girl seems to have lost both
eyes. Now we're to four years later, at a county detention center, where it only seems right to
send any misfit kids to that Hotel to get it in shipshape.. for their gruesome murders. Shh,
don't tell. Apparently only hoods and hookers go to detention centers all heading for the Death
Bus and on to the Hotel from Hell. Oh okay, the cop who survived the initial attack is now a
detention center cop. They all complain about how rundown the place is while I am marveling
that it's still empty. I would like to rent a room, lady! Now, I know when places are
abandoned, they will always have some crap left in them and people will probably come in and
muck the place up. I expect dust and other debris. However, in all horror movies in all the
world, the exact same tools and items are left around. Crowbars, screwdrivers, lids of screw-on
jars. Lights will be lit in boring areas and will only go dark when you actually might want to
see something there. Nails, the caps off of soda, I am quite sure a broken mirror will show up,
perhaps while a pretty young thing is admiring herself, the unbeknownst killer will be just off
her left shoulder, his face dissected by the mirror fragments. Not to mention the literal
buckets of insects that spill out when a wall is broken. It's almost poetic, how cliche these
movies get. They're homages. They could probably cut down on budget by using the same scary
house, hotel, car, tunnel, lake, and school for all of the horror movies.
But for now, two of the hoodlums have decided to track down some safe that has been left
undiscovered for 35 years, apparently locked away behind a secret wall, through a secret
passage. The others are off getting high about their organic pot "grown in aspirin. Hell yeah!"
In another place in the huge hotel, someone is taking a shower, and somehow, everything in the
bathroom is covered with dirt, grease, paint, but the light pink bathmat is new day sparkling.
And who would use the soap from that place? Back to the boys and their treasure hunting, they
have found the first dead body with no eyes and they do what you're always supposed to do, part
company and yell out your location while running in odd directions. While I am not going to
give away who bites it and who doesn't, I must say that the directorial choice on filming this
way makes it looks like he perhaps studied the modern 13 Ghosts. (Although honestly, I enjoyed
that movie.) But the huge fish hook was awesome! And the treasures he takes from his kills are
most wonderful. A pair of the chicks have nothing on their mind but escaping this ramshackle
imprisonment. I am sure once they meet who is "running" the hotel, they'll have better things
to worry about. After explaining to the police man, flashbacks happen, and we're told a little
more of the backstory. The killer left the girl alive four years ago because of her religious
tattoos. If this goes down the Good Book's way, I'm out of here. On a different subject, I
don't expect masterpieces in the horror genre. I am really not even looking for such, but when
you can not keep a huge part of the boom mike out of the shot, you need to fire your
editors/splicers.
Anyway, one of the teens thought dead, wakes in a cage in what looks to be some sort of altar
room.. of the damned. She looks around to find other cages filled with vile and gore. She calls
out to one of her friends although it is quite clear he has no eyeballs in his sockets, or
well, he doesn't now. Kane, sorry, Jacobs is doing a fantastic job of looking menacing while
not talking and swinging around bodies with only a little grunt. If this man doesn't grab an
Oscar just for the sheer mass of him, I have no hope in the entertainment industry. Hand
to God. Now that I think of the whole God route, maybe in the beginning, there were 7 kids and
you were supposed to gather which sin they represented when it showed their charges on the
screen. Oh, you clever little ducks. I must also say, mirrors were also well used in
this movie, like a lot. We're losing the cast rather quickly and we're being left with the most
obnoxious of them. And because, at this very moment, I have faith in the film industry, I hope
Kane takes those twats down and won't be outsmarted after 35 years by complete fuckwits. And oh
boy, you do not fuck with a massive man's collection of eyeballs in jars. It's a universal law.
Come on, 10 minutes left and they start up with the sinning and Jacob being "the Hand of God".
I would totally agree with God on this one, this dude can stop anyone from sinning. Of course,
it's by killing them, but we are splitting hairs here. Speaking of, did they use much makeup on
Kane's face? Other than the fingernails and the actual violence laid upon him, he looks like I
would imagine a huge, hulking wrestler to look like. I hear from my brother-in-law that any
large scars on his shorn pate could actually be ones he sustained during a Steel Cage Match.
This is absorbing! Okay, offer rescinded about the nomination. He tried to act and
that's not what he's here for. We're not scared of someone whining and simpering in the corner.
But no worries, he back at it again in no time. But I'm still taking my nod away. Wait, did his
skull just leak flies?
The last 20 minutes of this film are long and boring. Perhaps it was
just this movie in general. I just wish the directors/writers/whatever had kept his presence
almost supernatural. You'd keep thinking, is that behemoth really standing in front of me? The
last half of the movie was really ground that has been tread upon so, so, so many times in
horror films, especially horror films with teen actors. And honestly, it's really starting to
bore me. I won't even say it's because it's modern horror but, the target group this one was
focused on apparently have to be told a story as dumbed down as possible with few words and
even fewer plots. So thank you, The Entire Cast of See No Evil, thank you for ruining my day.
Thank you for making me hate you and everyone you know. Thank you for putting out another
suckfest of a movie. And thank you, THANK YOU, for once again, putting horror in a really bad
light.
1.0 / 4.0
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