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Nightmares and Dreamscapes: From the Stories of Stephen King
I was quite obviously misinformed about Nightmares and Dreamscapes and because of that, I thought one story was carried over through all the episodes. However, it seems like this is another Masters of Horror and only Stephen King was invited. I am looking forward to the actual second season of that show, but for now, Nightmares and Dreamscapes will have to suffice. My, I need to get my excitement under control here. What Nightmares and Dreamscapes consists of is: 8 hour long episodes based on short stories by horror author, Stephen King. I am pretty sure I have read the actual stories these were pulled from, but his stories tend to run together after a while. That being said, these episodes may not be in order. I certainly didn't watch them in order. Just a note, I do not remember the last Stephen King project I watched or even read. I remember watching a couple minutes of Storm of the Century while I was in Germany in 2001, but I think that may have been the last thing. Oh well, let's get this mess done. Oh, one more thing, they presented these episodes as commercial-free. While that may be technically true, they still ran their advertisements along the bottom of the screen. Alright, alright, starting now.
Battleground: Before reading the synopsis of this episode, I noticed the title and inwardly cringed. I was reminded of that crap-fest, Joe Dante's Homecoming, that was in the Masters of Horror series. And while yes, my government does scare me a little bit, I don't need anyone's political agenda shoved down my throat. Luckily, the summary mentioned toys so I am now looking forward to this episode. This episode features William Hurt (and his iPod) and Mia Sara (I haven't seen her since Ferris Bueller's Day Off. That's 20 years, people.)
18 minutes and 43 seconds into the show and I just realized that there has been absolutely no dialogue, but numerous blatant iPod placements. Yes! We all know what mp3 player came with the white headphones. [I use a different mp3 player with good headphones. You'll never take me alive, Apple! (Archos, call me!)] You know, perhaps I have a huge misconception over what nightmares would actually entail. For our loveable toy-maker assassin, his nightmare is Army men that come to life and start attacking him. Am I the only one who was reminded of one of the shorts in Tales from the Hood? You know the one where the slaves come out of the painting and kill the racist government official? At any rate, I am not sure how well tiny plastic weapons would work. Especially because you could just pick the bastards up and throw them in the microwave for a spell. I know I did it as a kid and they weren't even attacking me.
As this episode closes, I am asking myself one thing, "W.. was.. W-was that supposed to be.. scary?" If so, holy hell they went in the wrong direction. Sure, assassins can be scary but fat, aging assassins? Not so much. Yeah, inanimate objects coming to life and attacking can be scary but tiny, plastic Army men? Not at all. Wait, what? When did they start having zombie Army men? Wow, this episode was bad, just really bad. If you didn't see the ending coming, you're probably retarded and should step away from the keyboard before you hurt yourself.
Does working with toys every day put someone off of toys? I know I used to love Subway until I worked there for a couple months. It took 6 years after quitting to be able to eat a Subway sandwich again. I would hate to have that happen with toys. I do love toys. 0.8 / 4.0
I have heard that Battleground is actually one of the best of the shorts. If this is the case, the other episodes may very well plummet into negative numbers. If this is the best short, I am thankful this asshole was not called upon to participate in the Masters of Horror series.
Crouch End: Every time I picture the title of this episode, I see someone crouching behind a couch. It is in no way what the episode is actually about, however. What this is about is a newlywed couple who are honeymooning in London and because all Americans are bumbling fuckwits, they get mixed up in some evil supernatural going-ons. So what if the bathroom is called a loo there? I'll call it a festering shit tank if I so wish, asshole. Anyway, as all anal, Type A people must do, Lonnie answers a page from his boss who invites him to Crouch End for dinner. Of course, the wife is not happy, but goes along anyway, even after multiple warnings not to go to Crouch End. (Claire Forlani makes a horrible Doris. She in no way looks like a Doris and she's a pretty crap actress to boot.)
Soon, the two are trapped in a Lovecraftian world with lightning and flashes and ghost trains and tentacles coming up from the earth and eating people. Overall, even if you do not follow Lovecraft's work, the tentacles make a good enough enemy. The problem comes from all the signs displayed all over Crouch End. I watched this with one of my sisters and having to explain all the long, smashed up names on signs along the walls was not fun. The fact that she does not read or even know Lovecraft or Cthulhu made the task impossible. I just summed the whole episode as "It's supposed to be scary stuff. Leave me alone." The idea really could have been a good one. The fault probably lies in the hands of the director, who apparently has no clue in filming and developing horror characters for the small screen. Or perhaps I just don't know enough of the mythology behind the story to appareciate what is there. As it was presented, it was quite boring. 1.0 / 4.0
Umney's Last Case: I've only ever heard good things about William H. Macy and as this episode began I started wondering why I seemed to like him so much. After thinking about it a while, I realized I have only seen him in perhaps one other movie that I remember and that was Mystery Men. (After looking at IMDb, I have also seen him in Jurassic Park III but I don't even remember that movie, let alone him in it.) Anyway, Macy does an okay job with what he has been given, playing multiple characters that weave in and out of reality.
Unhappy with his life after losing his son, writer Sam Landry decides to enter a world of his creation. After living vicariously through his detective character, Clyde Umney, Landry decides to take over Umney's life while Umney lives his. While Landry is delightfully happy, Umney refuses to settle for Landry's life, even if Landry's wife is consistantly trying to jump his bones. Umney is trying his damnedest to get back into the world he knows, while Landry finds out that he may still be needed in the world he so quickly abandoned. Umney has finally taken advantage of the situation he was thrown into and decides to give Landry a taste of his own medicine.
This episode actually suffers from the same problem the other episodes have and that is: every one if these episodes could be cut down to 30-45 minutes and would probably benefit from such editing. I like slow, winding narratives.. when they are interesting. This episode had a very simple plot device and could have probably been fit in to a 20 minute segment. That 20 minutes would have just as much punch as, if not more than, the original. Perhaps my aging mind just won't absorb three hour movies anymore. I need quick, fast, simple 20 minute movies tossed my direction. Chop off 20 minutes from this episode and it'll get a point higher. 1.8 / 4.0
I looked on my bookshelves and realized I have read all of the Nightmares & Dreamscapes book. Now I am wondering if the stories were as boring as their filmed version. I have never really found any of King's writings scary or even all that interesting most times, but when compared to the television shows, I may have figured out the reason I blocked the stories out. They were insanely boring. I get enough boredom from life, I don't need it in my entertainment.
The End of the Whole Mess: I always knew Texas would somehow come into play in the ending of the world. This state is filled with raving loons, almost all with access to a varied arsenal. But this story isn't about Texas blowing up the world, this is about finding the "cure" for war. Yep, world peace brings the entire world to its knees and then gradually to its grave. Take that, hippies!
This episode is mostly a narrative mixed with flashbacks in varying dates, some going back to when the narrator was a small child, while others only go back days. We're given family history through home videos the family took during the passing years. We're told our narrator has always had an affinity for photography and videography, while his younger brother was an uber-genius that could figure out anything if given enough time. And well, figure it out he does when he comes across a collective non-violence of the people in a small town in Texas. Right here I am shaking my head in disbelief. You can't fool me, Mr. King, I live in Texas. I know better. After figuring out that it's some random protein in the water there, the genius brother devises a way to circulate the water around the world. Which is a great idea, only hindered by the fact that no one knows of long-term side effects. I guess a genius can be stupid? In watching this, I think this may have been the first time I was ever glad that the population did not turn into mutants with extras limbs or tentacles. Keeping to actual human ailments actually made the story far creepier, in my opinion anyway. A small aside, would going senile actually be that bad? Sure, you forget everything, but if there was no one there to try to remind you; would you really be missing anything? You wouldn't know you had family or friends or memories in general. In fact, you could make up new ones every day. You could be the queen one day and a rabbit the next. Or you could be a rabbit both days and you wouldn't get bored of it because you don't remember ever being a rabbit before. Fun times for everyone.
The only thing I disliked in this episode was the mention of Sept. 11th. I know it makes me a horrible 'merican, but I am tired of the mentions and movies, the specials and the reports. I know what bloody happened! And if that is the catalyst that finally broke the genius brother, he's not paying much attention anyway. Barring that mention, I enjoyed this episode. 2.0 / 4.0
The Road Virus Heads North: Two questions. What does Stephen King have against animals(!) and more importantly, is Tom Berenger capable of showing any emotion whatsoever? His "terrified" look is similar to my "I wonder if the mail has come yet." look. Perhaps what stuck out the most though was this episode's similarity to an episode of Rod Serling's Night Gallery and yet it managed to be so bloated with unnecessary additions that it took away from the entire story. The "main" story is one of a man haunted by an ever-changing painting he picks up at a local yard sale. Inititally, I could see why he would be terrified of his purchse. It really was a craptastic painting. I think the artist was also responsible for the art on the covers of comics that stores try to sell to the nearest sucker for a quarter. "It'll be a collector's item. I swear!"
At first, I thought this episode could have benefited from being slightly longer than the hour it is allotted, but then I realized it didn't need to be longer, it needed all the extra padding stripped away instead. There are at least two side stories that did not come to fruition and are instead just used to fill the time. One, other than showing us the inside of a colon, what was the point of the cancer/biopsy side story? Two, if you're not going to eventually kill her, why even show the trailer-park hippy? Instead of the extraneous side stories, how about adding on that could have actually helped the story. Perhaps like, who the hell the artist was and what made him decide to become a killer? What was the real meaning behind the suicide note? Apparently none of this was important enough to get a mention so we're left with a half-assed story and a disappointing conclusion. But thank God they got in that 50th mention to Stephen King. Bravo, assholes. Sadly, this was still one of the better episodes. Even if it did leave everything hanging (pun intended). 1.5 / 4.0
The Fifth Quarter: For the love of crackers, Stephen King should just start writing for colouring books. What was the point of this episode? Is it that four grown men are relying on the backs of cereal boxes to hide treasure in off-the-wall places? Is it that your wife will always bone your best friend if you get imprisoned? Is it that the bond between family members is so strong even infidelity and prison can't break it? Is it that Stephen King is slowly trying to drive me absolutely bonkers? I don't even know how this episode qualified as an actual short story. I mean, yeah, it's short but I think you could sum up the whole damn thing in a paragraph or less. Now take said paragraph and stretch it out to an hour episode and you have the perfect environment for a horrible and extremely boring story about greed and love.
The thing with this particular episode wasn't that it was particularly bad at telling the story it was actually trying to get across, but rather it should not have been stretched into such a long format. The actors all did a fine job at their parts, but their parts were flat to begin with. You can only spruce up a character so much while sticking to the story line. This episode also added nothing new to the format. How many heists-gone-wrong movies/episodes have we all seen? I don't even watch those types of movies and I have seen tons of those types of scenarios. I almost fell asleep twice on this one. 0.5 / 4.0
Autopsy Room Four: This one had insane amounts of fright potential for me as I am quite certain I will be one of those patients who go under the knife, only to wake up during it and not be able to move or speak. Yes, I do think about it even if there is no surgery in my immediate future. Why put off worrying until then? Psh. However, this episode had two big problems. One, they used freakin' John-Boy (from The Waltons) but that damn growth on his face is hypnotic and all I can do is stare at it. If I ever go completely mad, I will state John-Boy's mole-y growth as the reason. The second problem, the snake they used was so badly computer generated I began to wonder why they didn't just save money and get one of those plastic snakes they sell at the Dollar Store. I'd go along with the instant snakebite effect, but not when the snake is so obviously fake.
To tell the truth, other than the overall premise, this episode was completely boring. Hell, I remember the short story being completely snooze-worthy, as well. I think we were supposed to take note of the two forensic pathologists drooling all over each other and the one assistant who couldn't have been more clueless until he solved the entire problem, of course. There was one horrific moment in the episode, however I believe it may have been unintentional. The parting shots feature John-Boy's pasty, old, white ass. I think I might have thrown up in my mouth a little and even that was more enjoyable than what my eyes were seeing. No more John-Boy, in anything, ever. 0.5 / 4.0
You Know They Got a Hell of a Band: I can not even begin to explain how tiresome this episode was for me. Yeah great, musician impersonators, how goddamn scary. The only terrifying thing in this movie was Steven Weber and his jackassery. For god's sake, it's a tourist trap and apparently a haunted one at that. A haunted, crappy tourist trap. This episode also featured about the 4.000th mention of men's inability to ask for directions. I don't even know if it's true, but it makes me want to staple-gun a map to every guy's face. Women have no sense of direction, men can't ask for directions. Ho hum, ho hum. Shut up!
I can probably sum up this episode in four sentences or less. Let's see. A couple are driving through the forest and get lost. Deciding to try a random direction, the couple stumble across a town whose inhabitants do not look like they willingly stay there and really, I can see why; apparently all our great musicians have died and taken up concert in this town. Can the couple escape from Rock n' Roll Heaven? Does that sound fascinating? Does it sound like it's full of tension and horror? I'm sorry, I think I need a nap from all the excitement. Stick it, King. 0.5 / 4.0
I have never been as totally underwhelmed and disappointed as I was while watching this series. I literally had to force myself to watch the last three episodes. I dreaded it. I made excuses, I learned two card tricks, I wept, but I just could not watch them. So how did I watch the last episodes? By getting a little sloshed. Yep, I made myself a couple drinks and started clicking through InDemand. This damn series could have made me into an alcoholic had I gotten the idea sooner in the line-up. Maybe it was the director's fault or the actor's, but I prefer to think that it was the talentless, apes who chose the most boring, inane Stephen King stories available and puked them into the lap of drunken monkeys who then adapted them and shit them onto the small screen. Nightmares & Dreamscapes? More like Crapmares and Suckscapes. Okay yeah, I let drunk monkeys write this article, as well. The simple fact is, if you're going to have "nightmares" in the title, your best "monster" should not be a rogue, 2 inch, plastic army man. Maybe you should take up knitting or something, King.
The average score is significantly higher than I would have given the series as a whole.
1.1 / 5.0
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