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Masters of Horror II - Series
So I am back for the second season. I don't know why I am back, they took out one of my favourite directors from the first series, Lucky McKee. Here's a rundown of those that left, those that stayed, and those that are new. Booted: Don Coscarelli, William Malone, Larry Cohen, John McNaughton, and unfortunately my old favourite, Lucky McKee. Hopefully, he was just working on too many projects and couldn't find the time. So who stayed? Tobe Hooper, John Landis, John Carpenter, Dario Argento, Stuart Gordon, Joe Dante, and Mick Garris. Garris being an obvious choice considering this whole thing is his baby. So what new meat did they bring on for us? Ernest Dickerson, Brad Anderson (Yay!), Tom Holland, Peter Medak, Rob Schmidt, and the token "safe" Asian, Norio Tsuruta. I'm really indifferent to the Season One hold-ons, but I am very much looking forward to the episodes directed by Brad Anderson and Peter Medak. I'll be honest, I do not have the highest hopes for this season if the first season was any indication. I also feel like both Mick Garris, Showtime, and the "Powers That Be" completely let the ball drop when they refused to air Takashi Miike's Imprint, only later releasing it on DVD. Guess what? It's not that bad (graphically). In fact, it's the episode I probably prefer. Thanks for nothing, Showtime. Grow a pair, Garris. Now on with the show(s)!
The Damned Thing: Tobe Hooper (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
I find it interesting that boredom actually managed to sneak up on me during this episode. About 10 minutes in, I was interested, I was piqued but as the time slowly ticked away; I started thinking, "Am I getting bored? Is this boring or am I not paying attention? No, no, I think I am bored." The fact that I have already gotten bored during the first half of the first episode makes me seriously question my wanting to finish the series. Oh well.
It's 1981. We open to a family sitting at the table, a man and a woman and a bright-eyed intelligent boy. He's spouting random trivia while the parents nod their head and smile at their little genius in between gnawing on barbequed ribs. The weather is causing the lights flicker, during which the mother and son try to surprise the father with a birthday cake. As the boy is helping light the candles, a slick, oily blob falls on his hand and suddenly, his father is in the doorway. However, he's not alone. He's also brought his shotgun with him and proceeds to kill the mother and chase the son into the yard. Suddenly, the man is sucked by an invisible force to the door and his intestines are violently ripped from his body.
We skip forward 24 years to the boy as an adult with his own family, only not quite as cozy as his childhood home. He and his wife are having problems but keep trying to make it work. Suddenly, things start to happen. The blobs have come back and so have the near-hallucinogenic seizures. (It's weird and I doubt it's intentional, but it seemed like every time a cell phone was used, the black blobs would reappear. Down with technology!) The man figures out what is happening and tries to get his family as far away as possible. Although it may work for his wife and son, "The Damned Thing" catches up to him and drags him into the mire from which it came.
I am sure there are subtleties I am missing and there was probably a heart-warming message, but really, I can't get over how Hooper's direction has gone to shit. I really have no idea if the story ended at the credits. Was I supposed to imply something from them? I don't mind a story being left open, but I think Hooper may have scribbled some notes on a napkin, spilled a dark drink on it, and suddenly his idea was born. I swear, the black, oily stuff was just merlot on his napkin.
0.8 / 4.0
Family: John Landis (An American Werewolf in London)
Fuck off, John Landis, fuck off. If you want to be funny and quirky, get the hell away from the Masters of Horror series. You had 15 minutes of material and you stretched it into a torturous 60 minutes. Not a good torturous where I could hide behind a pillow, waiting for the next scare, but a torture so bad I was close to ripping out my fingernails for entertainment value. I appreciate humour in my horror, I really do. I think they call it "dark comedy", but the problem here is that, until the end, this episode wasn't even all that dark (or funny, for that matter). Were we supposed to find Harold (George Wendt) funny/creepy because he heard voices? Yeah, the fact that his "family" is actually made up of dressed skeletons of people he killed should be creepy, but it just comes across as rather sad. He's supposed to come across as a perfectly ordinary, almost innocent type of fellow, but when they show him having hallucinations about the people he is about to kill, it just makes him seem like a nutbar. They aren't even saying scary things. "I would suck your cock until you came hard." and "I'm a slut." do not horrify me, unless of course my mother was saying it or something. Then I would be completely traumatized.
When new neighbours move in the courtyard, Harold becomes obsessed with the young couple. After a seemingly innocuous run-in with Harold's mailbox, the couple officially enter into the slightly-demented world of Harold. The entire first 45 minutes equate the couple having dinner with Harold and Harold going out to stalk, kidnap, and kill more members of his family. We're shown Harold's family as flesh and blood, going so far as to have Harold arguing with the wife while the grandmother and daughter play Chutes & Ladders. I try very, very hard to take any of this seriously as either comedy or horror. What it is, for sure, is boring. Bored into submission, I finish watching the episode and am completely surprised by the twist at the end. No really, surprised. I could not be surprise-eder. It's a total shock, people! Except for one thing, if you have half a brain cell, you'll figure out the twist the moment the couple and Harold have their introductory conversation. After that exchange, take a power nap, you only need to wake up for the end to see how it plays out. It's extremely tame (Oh, bloody gloves. Scaaary.), but if you hate nose hairs as much as I do, it will make you queasy for about four seconds.
1.4 / 4.0
Okay, I have a confession. I know Ernest Dickerson's name, not from Bones, but from his work on The L Word. Now, his episode is called The V Word and I know it's about vampires. However, instead of thinking that perhaps the episode could be about lesbian vampire, I immediately questioned what the hell a "Vesbian" would be. Here's the thing, I have no problem with saying dumb things to myself, but I was not alone when I said it and I also made the mistake of saying it aloud. Other than being laughed at, I thought nothing of it. I woke up this morning to find "You are a vesbian" spelled with magnetic letters on my fridge. Great. I am never going to live that down.
The V Word: Ernest Dickerson (Bones)
Oh, Mick Garris, you clever duck. The V Word wasn't merely for Vampires, it was also for Video Games and Violence (Virtual or otherwise). This was stunning, social commentary, wasn't it? Oh no, it was fascinating. Tell me, do you know a "V" word for snore-inducing? Although this episode was directed by Ernest Dickerson, the blame lies squarely with Mick Garris who was the actual writer/creator of this episode. When you think about it, who exactly is going to veto Mick Garris' script? Yeah, no one, so he can get away with writing extremely tedious dialogue and rehashing the same tired story.
Two teen boys are playing video games. Barrett is wildly playing Doom 3 on an XBox 360, while Justin finishes arguing with his dad then plays on his PSP. They both handle the controls like they have never played video games before. Especially for Doom 3, if you actually slammed the buttons and twirled the joysticks as Barrett did, you'd be spinning in a corner, shooting at your feet, and flipping your flashlight on and off repeatedly. Justin is playing Vengeance of Doom quite badly considering he just threw stuff across the room, scaring the already twitchy Barrett, causing him to die in his own game. They both curse and decide this is a shit way to spend their evening. Because kids who play violent games are always obsessed with death, Justin decides they should go see a dead body at the funeral home where his cousin works. Barrett agrees because Justin plays the "If you were my real friend.." card which only dipshits use.
The boys skate over to the Collinwood Funeral Home. A "closed" sign is flashing, but they don't let that deter them as they walk up the stairs and knock on the door. The boys sense that the door must be unlocked because no one answered their soft knocks. It is pitch dark in this place which must make for a fantastic work environment. I can understand trying to add atmosphere to the episode, but seriously, I cannot see a freaking thing on the screen. The boys trade insults as they wander from one dark room to another, stopping to peek in some of the coffins. They find Justin's cousin under a white sheet with his throat torn out and off in the corner someone rises, very slowly, from under another sheet. Enter panic mode. The boys run away, but we all know what's going to happen to them. It took 45 minutes to get to any sort of excitement and even that excitement is boring.
When this episode wasn't a commercial (and/or a warning) for technological products (XBox 360, iPod, PSP, Mac), this was a moral tale. You may be a blood-thirsty monster, but dammit, you have to do what's right. Well, I mean, except for letting your hungry, vampiric best friend go only on the promise that they won't harm your family. Well, what about the millions of other people? The special effects of the throat wounds and other gore were quite well-done. However, the CGI effects of the "vampire vision" were horrible and I am not sure what purpose they served other than to annoy me (and me alone).
1.5 / 4.0
I made the mistake of trying to check the Masters of Horrors site to make sure it was Mick Garris who wrote this episode. He did, but who is the jerk who designed that site? Everything seems so frantic, it's blinky, and nearly impossible to navigate. I also couldn't figure out how to scroll to the rest of some of the writing. Although I do tend to skim when I read, I like to skim more than half sentences, thank you.
It seems I am just not that fond of Mick Garris. I appreciate the fact that he had the clout to bring together a lot of these directors, however they all seem to be putting out sub-par material. My favourite episode from last season Imprint wasn't even aired in the U.S. and even if I am incorrect, I still take it as a sign that Mick Garris refuses to actually do anything groundbreaking in these episodes. If you're going to make consistantly lousy episodes, at least make them obnoxiously goofy and fun like Lucky McKee's "Sick Girl" last season instead of inane and boring, as was Tobe Hopper's "Dance of the Dead". Sadly, "The Damned Thing" this season is actually better than Hooper's last effort but it's not saying much considering how badly I hated "Dance of the Dead".
We're only three in and I am wishing for a new set of directors. Why is Garris playing so safely with his choice in directors? Sure, you use the better-known directors for the first season to draw people in, but then you switch up the next season to really entertain. Where I am really bothered is the attempt to shove politics, morals, and ethics into these episodes. I was hoping last season's "Homecoming" (Joe Dante) would be the last we saw of it in this series, but judging from titles alone, we're going to have someone's beliefs shoved down our throats just about every other week. Completely unnecessary and honestly, fucking obnoxious. If Eli Roth pops up next season, I give up. Someone bring in Neil Marshall. Or Guillermo Del Toro. What about Christopher Nolan? He brings the creepy pretty well.
Sounds Like: Brad Anderson (Session 9)
Coming Soon...
0.0 / 4.0
Pro-Life: John Carpenter (Halloween)
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0.0 / 4.0
Pelts: Dario Argento (Suspiria)
Coming Soon...
0.0 / 4.0
We Scream for Ice Cream: Tom Holland (Child's Play)
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0.0 / 4.0
The Black Cat: Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator)
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0.0 / 4.0
The Screwfly Solution: Joe Dante (Gremlins)
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0.0 / 4.0
Valerie on the Stairs: Mick Garris (The Stand)
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0.0 / 4.0
The Washingtonians: Peter Medak (The Changeling)
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0.0 / 4.0
Right to Die: Rob Schmidt (Wrong Turn)
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0.0 / 4.0
Dream Cruise: Norio Tsuruta (Premonition)
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0.0 / 4.0
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0.0 / 4.0
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