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Camp Slaughter
I think this was actually called Camp Daze, but the copy I watched definitely said Camp Slaughter. It doesn't really matter however, as I will never recommend this movie to anyone, at all, ever. If I see it in a store, I may very well light it on fire. I did not expect a whole hell of a lot from this movie anyway as my shit detector was sounding off wildly just as I was reading the title. And right up front, I'll be honest, I got really bored after an hour and watched most of the rest in partial fast forward with occasional checks for dialogue. I promise though, even only watching part, I feel an adequate judge of the mess that unfolded as I watched... and wept.
This delightful gem starts with a view of Camp Hiawatha bonfire on the 26th of August, 1981. All the good boys and girls are singing the ol' Camp Hiawatha song which consisted of saying "Camp Hiawatha" over and over. For cripes sake, I know the damn thing now. This will never do. One of the long haired hippies decides to get a girl and wander off to smoke pot and feel each other up. We all know what happens here. I will say, as far as a recall, there wasn't any nudity unless you count muscley dudes wandering around in half-shirts and really short shorts. The night is filled with screams and horribly-acted deaths and people running and then SCENE!. Skip to the present. We know it's the present because "Present" is written on the bottom of the screen for us. Thanks guys!
I don't know how many people out there watch that Kyle XY show, but the guy who plays Kyle is a Spanish guy named Mario in this film. I'll assume he did not send in this reel when he auditioned for the part because well, he sucks. In fact, every single person in this movie is a horrible, wretched actor. I am proud that they included every stereotype, although I don't recall an Asian person carrying around a calculator or playing with a robot. Then Kwan Lee could have invented a machine that somehow captures the killer. Oh man, those wacky Asians! Anyway, back to Mario. Mario is asleep in an SUV driven by his friend with two girls also as passengers. They are obviously lost as they have passed the same "Welcome to Maine" sign about four times. Suddenly, it gets dark and someone is throwing what looks like mud, but what they call blood all over the vehicle. And then they wake up with people staring in clean windows and tapping on the glass. Who the hell falls asleep in the middle of a "blood" throwing? If I am scared to death, I generally don't fall asleep in the middle of it. Unless of course, I have cried myself to sleep. The SUV occupants decide to follow the campers and go back to Camp Hiawatha and then that night, the killings begin again. Oh my God, who would have ever guessed!? Well, um, me for one. And then they wake up again. Goddamit, this is like Groundhog's Day for the completely retarded. Mario, after waking up for the 50th time, finally stumbles upon calendars and magazines from the 80s..
They decide to make a run for it, but of course, they keep passing that goddamn Camp Hiawatha sign over and over... and over. Look, if they're going to play the time warp angle, they should at least have to do the dance. Now jump to the left! The SUV quartet are confronted by the two lead counselors and the story of Camp Hiawatha is told. The two men have been trying to figure out how to stop August 26th, 1981 from happening over and over. The same day, the same night, the same deaths. Day after day. Month after month. They are quite convincing and the group begrudgingly decides to help them (which by the way, makes them stupid). Well, the black girl doesn't so much as agree as go "Motherfucker this, motherfucker that." I have decided I should tell my black friends they do not say "Motherfucker" enough and that they are a discredit to their race. While the counselors tell one story, as the night goes on, the visitors realize that all is not what they say, especially when they run in to the handyman who tells them the true story. With him, they plan their escape at midnight, because that's the only time their SUV will reappear from where it disappear the night before.
Here's the deal. It doesn't matter who the killers were. It doesn't matter who actually got killed. It doesn't even matter that there were some really bad death scenes. (Most of them consisted of eyes being rolled up into the back of the head and a lot of them, you could still see breathing.) What matters is that this was a horrible, horrible movie with a plot point that could have really worked if they hadn't had retarded chimps working the cameras and directing. How hard is it to tell someone who is supposed to be dead to hold their goddamn breath? When you're doing a flashback that will happen multiple times, for the love of pete, use the same damn actor in all the shots! For everyone involved in this, a pox on your house! For me, well, I used bleach.
0.2 / 4.0
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